Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas 2)

I put my t-shirt on and pulled on my tights. That was struggle enough.

Behind me, Holden got out of the water. I fought down every emotion bubbling up in me and kept getting dressed. I needed to disappear and never be in Holden King's life again. These feelings would never go away. The only thing for me to do was to put distance between us.

I pulled on my socks and he grabbed hold of me.

"Stop for a minute, Carlie."

I shook my head, water flying off my hair. "Holden, we can't go back."

He didn't let go of me, no matter how much I struggled. As much as I wanted to stop fighting and stay in his arms, I couldn’t let go. All the anger inside me welled up.

"Fuck it, Carlie. You told me to stop running away. You told me to make a stand. Well, what about you? You run every time I get close to you. You don't even give me a chance. You pretend to have this whole fuck off attitude but you're so scared."

"Too scared to give you a second chance, you mean. You left me with wounds that don't heal. You walked out and left me without even trying to make things better. You can't just decide to take up where you left off three years later. Life doesn't work like that."

When I stopped yelling, a flock of birds rose up from the trees, squawking into the air. My god, I must sound like them. They circled around us, before heading off elsewhere.

“You don’t even want to try though, do you? You’ll never forgive me.”

“Do you want forgiveness? You never even said you were sorry, not really.”

“Did you ever apologize to me?” he said. “I never asked you to, I never expected it.”

“Apologise for what?” I pulled back from him, the shock hitting me like a slap in the face. I’d not been perfect but I’d never thought I’d done anything I needed to apologize for.

“Think about it, Carlie.”

I tried to strike out at him and he let me go.

“Go on, Carlie. Do it. Punch me. Make it as hard as you can.”

I glared at him. “What the hell are you on about?”

“You’ve got so much anger boiling up inside you. It’s there all the time. Even when we’re having fun, all that anger and resentment is just below the surface. So, let it out. Give me what I deserve.”

I raised my fist and smashed him on the jaw. The punch landed with a sickening thud and I waited for him to stop me. Time stood still and everything went silent.

“Is that all you’ve got?” he yelled. “You can punch me fifty times and I’ll take it. You can shatter me into a million pieces and every single one of those pieces will still love you.”

I hit him with my left this time. He recoiled but didn’t move. Then I got into it, raining punches to his face, then to his stomach. As I struck out, tears came to my eyes, but I didn’t stop to wipe them away. Holden had hurt me and I’d hurt him back. I’d destroy him.

The whole time, Holden stood stock-still. Not responding and not trying to stop me.

My brain switched off and only my body worked. The sound of each strike echoed over the water. The birds screeched, as though egging me on.

I kept hitting until my body tired and I had nothing left in me, until all I could do was beat against his chest with sides of my hands. Weak, feeble strikes.

Tears streamed down my face. For all I’d hit him, it’d changed nothing. I didn’t feel better. After it all, I wasn’t gratified. I just felt dead inside.

Holden wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He stroked my hair and I softened in his arms. I’d planned to comfort him but it had ended up with him comforting me. His lip bled and he had bruises on his face but I was the one who cried.

But I couldn't deny my love for him any longer. Fuck, the whole three years we were apart, I'd never been in a relationship. I met hundreds of men, thousands, and never had any one of them compared to Holden. I was sad and pathetic but, if I couldn't have Holden King in my life, I didn't want anyone else.

And I couldn't have Holden King until I could go to him with a heart that was 100% free from doubts and fears. There was no way I could fit the pieces together.

When it came to giving moral support to a friend in hard times, I was the worst. Instead of helping, I'd turned it into a huge mess.

I needed to get my own shit together. No matter what he’d done wrong, I’d done wrong too.