Rock Star Returns: Carlie's Story (Access All Areas 2)

“They were both struggling with it and it went off. Jacko says he just intended on giving dad a scare but who knows? The cops turned up to arrest Jacko while I was there. Shit, Carlie, it was the one decent thing he did in his life. Even when people around here attacked me, what could I say? It's not like I had a family I was proud of. King by name, trash by nature."

I rubbed his back. This pain would never leave him but maybe, if he let it out, it'd lessen.

"I've got to go to the funeral. It's the only thing I can do. It'll get out. The local press will be all over this now it's been classed as murder. And, after that, some local is going to mouth off and bring my name into it."

"People can't blame you."

"You know they will. Maybe they're right. I've been doing a lot of thinking. No matter how far away I get from them, they are still part of me. I can't escape it. There's bad in the lot of them and there's bad in me."

"No, there isn't." He had to see that he was nothing like them.

"Hell, Carlie, I have to face up to it. I can't fight it unless I admit it first. I'm no saint. If you hadn't come along and believed in me, I might be over there tonight, getting drunk... drunker and fighting. I want to be a better person. Not by fame or money but a better person in my heart."

“Ha, you’re a better person than me. I’m still the one fighting. God, if I was a man, I’d be up on domestic violence charges.”

I put my head on his shoulder. I'd never seen Holden vulnerable like this before. I’d been so wrapped up in my pain that I’d not noticed his.

"Will you come to the funeral with me?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Don't answer too lightly. There'll be photographers there, the whole shit storm."

"We've been through shit storms before." I took his hand in mine and traced my thumb along the side of his hand.

"I was wrong to ask you to have me back," he said. "I know that now. I was only thinking of myself, not the pain I’d caused you."

"I was wrong too," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. "I went crazy. I thought the whole world was going to fall apart and I pushed you until it did."

Holden tried to grin at me, a wonky, uneven grin. He looked so frail that I was scared.

"We were so fucked up back then."

"We had good times too. The best times." I got up and walked around the room.

My stomach knotted up like I was about to dive off a cliff, the feeling so intense and scary, I wasn't sure if I could live through it. Holden couldn't give me back my trust and there were no words he could say to fix the past but I realized something. I couldn't wait for trust to appear from the sky. The trust fairy wasn’t going to appear and sprinkle me with magic dust. I’d die waiting for that. It wasn't something that would ever grow back unless I gave him a chance.

"I'm going to stop running," I said. "I don't know if this will work between us but I'm willing to give it a chance."

He looked up at me. "Are you sure, Carlie? Are you sure I'm worth it?"

I nodded. "It won't be easy, I know that. We both have a lot of fighting to do. Not with each other but with ourselves."

"I know."

We both laid back on the bed, smoking another cigarette and listening to music like the last few years had melted away.

Chapter 29

I PICKED UP HOLDEN to take him to the funeral. We figured it’d be better for me to drive. He was too emotional. Dad had offered to drive Holden and me but I'd refused. I didn't want Holden exposed to questioning from my family.

We planned to leave town straight afterward, so I’d packed my bag and Holden checked out of his hotel room.

“Let’s do this thing,” he said, forcing a grin.

They'd asked him to be a pallbearer but he'd declined. Instead, his cousins did it.

Apart from the King clan, the service was filled with people who'd never spoken to Lionel King his entire life. They'd all come to gossip and snoop.