I grabbed my book away. I didn’t want anyone to see it. It was all about insects and I figured he’d think I was boring or just plain weird, but he was too fast for me.
“Whoa, this is really cool. I love bugs. Man, there are some weird bugs in this world.”
I nodded and showed him my favorite one. It was kinda creepy but cool at the same time.
Then Carlie had come over. “Hey Drew, get back to work.”
“Sorry, it’s my fault,” I said. “I got chatting to him.”
“No problem. Drew just likes to talk more than he likes to work.” But then she winked at me so I knew he wasn’t in much trouble.
Soon, we were joking around and my one drink became two, then three. He kept getting told to get back to work but he’d come over and chat to me again. He told me all about the bug collection he’d had as a young boy. I’d always thought I was a freak because I was into things other people found strange, like bugs and the reasons why things did the things they did and all kinds of dorky stuff. I’d been laughed at too many times. I’d learned to keep my mouth shut and pretend I was just like everybody else. But Drew wasn’t like that at all. He acted like everyone loved bugs.
It wasn’t long before I knew everyone in the bar. They felt like family. No need to force conversation or hide away. It was the only place I felt comfortable. I’d put up so many layers to protect myself but, when I went to Trouble, some of those layers began to peel away. Little by little, I talked about things and people listened. They didn’t laugh. They didn’t think I was strange. They just listened.
Maybe I’d destroy all of it by speaking my mind.
I wanted to see his eyes crinkle. I wanted him to smile at me to let me know he’d been thinking the same thing but he’d never gotten around to putting it into words. I wanted to lay my head on his broad shoulder and have his arm around me, protecting me from the world. I hoped that wasn’t just a dream.
Jackson sat at the corner of the bar, as usual. Carlie had taken some time off and the other barman, Mark, kept coming over to talk to us. Normally, Jackson would tell Mark to bugger off and stop talking such shit. But, for once, Jackson encouraged him. Mark talked about the football matches coming up on the weekend and, even though I’d never known Jackson to ever have any interest in sports, he suddenly seemed to have an opinion on every game.
Because he wanted to avoid me saying anything.
Maybe I was better off keeping silent. If my words were welcome, then he wouldn’t avoid me like that.
I chewed on my nail and mentally screamed at Mark to go away. Eventually, he had other customers to serve. The silence between Jackson and I became awkward. We’d had all kinds of silences but none of them had been awkward before. I wasn’t sure how to start.
I twirled a strand of hair around my finger. It was a bad habit of mine. I drank my vodka and hoped it would give me courage. But then business died down and Mark would be back at any minute.
“So,” I said, hoping Mark would stay away, “how about the two of us doing something different some time? I make an awesome lasagne if you aren’t doing anything next Friday night.”
Yikes, that was lame. Lasagne? Still, it was better than nothing.
Jackson didn’t say anything for a long time. Mark came over to chat between customers and Jackson waved him away.
“Not now,” he told Mark.
At least he’d heard what I’d said. I was beginning to doubt that I’d said it out loud.
He still didn’t look at me though. He sat up straight as though gathering his strength. It made me want to take those words back. I’d read the situation entirely wrong. He had no interest in me at all.
“No, Gina. It’s not going to happen. Stop being a silly little girl with your foolish ideas.”
Then he laughed. He laughed so bitterly, like the sound of a rusty saw cutting into bone. There was no humor in that laugh. Nothing at all human. Just a noise like the shattering of something that had barely had time to be born.
My stomach clenched in fear. I couldn’t handle it. This wasn’t the Jackson I knew. He’d become hateful. I don’t know if he purposely wanted to hurt me but that noise undid me. I grabbed my bag and left the bar before he saw the tears in my eyes. I tried to walk steadily so no one would notice the pain inside me, even though it seemed like big neon signs saying “LOSER” and “REJECT” flashed above my head.
Drew grabbed my arm as I got to the door.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded and walked out the door. Once outside, I walked as fast as I could. I needed to get home. I needed the safety and the comfort of my own space.
I’d never go back to the bar again.
His laughter had crushed me. I’d thought I wanted an answer, one way or the other, but I’d never wanted that.
I should’ve known. I should never have opened my mouth. Jackson was right. I was a silly girl, stupid enough to think that I could have something good of my own. All my life, whenever I’d wanted anything, no matter how small, it’d been taken from me. You’d have thought I’d have learned to accept it by now but the pain burnt like hell.