“He’s a shit,” Violet said. “A downright shit.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I said. “I tried to push him too much.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute. You don’t push, Gina.”
“He called me a silly girl. And I am. I’m stupid. I totally misread the situation.”
“He said that, he actually said that?” Violet said, glaring across the bar at Jackson as though her eyes were lasers and she could cut him. “You’re not silly, Gina. He has definitely been giving out signals.”
It did feel good to talk about it, once the initial humiliation wore off.
“I’ll punch him for you if you like,” Carlie offered.
I shook my head. That would be the wor
st.
“He can’t help how he feels,” I said. “If he’s not interested, he’s not interested.”
I shrugged. I had to accept the way things were. It’d taken every ounce of courage I had to even walk back into the bar but I couldn’t let him see he’d hurt me so badly.
“He’s interested,” said Violet. “He’s just like a wounded animal. He’s going to attack because he doesn’t trust anyone. Mostly, he doesn’t trust himself. And seriously, even if he isn’t interested, he doesn’t have to be a dick about it.”
Trouble was full of wounded animals, I figured. There was something about the place that drew them in. People who were damaged by life. I guess that’s true of every bar but Trouble was different. It felt like a respite from the cruelness of life. Maybe that was just me. It was my safe place. I could escape the fake me I had to be everywhere else. I didn’t have to smile here.
Of course, there was still a lot I hid from people. I’d never be cool but I didn’t want people to know just what a dork I was.
When you show what’s in your heart, you get taken down for it. Jackson had proven that to me once again. I had to accept the way he felt. I couldn’t fight. If I did, bad things would happen.
Before we could say anymore, Sally had come in early for her shift and Violet had to go upstairs to work. I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, not in front of Sally. I didn’t really know her that well.
Instead, she and Carlie talked about Alex.
“He’s never going to notice me, not ever,” Sally said.
“You’re better off without him,” Carlie told her. “You think you like him but it’s just that package in those tight leather pants you like.”
Sally laughed. “Well, there’s a lot to like.”
Carlie was right, though, Alex never did notice Sally. Whenever Alex made a joke, which wasn’t that often, Sally would laugh the loudest. When she knew he’d be around, she wore the sexiest outfits and made sure she had some issue that he needed to sort out. Alex treated her like she didn’t exist or that she was just another one of the guys.
Alex was like that. While most of the people at Trouble were friendly and fun, he never really paid the slightest attention to anyone he didn’t need. It wasn’t that he was unfriendly or mean, just focused, that was the word for it. If you were outside his focus, you didn’t exist for him.
I tried not to glance across the bar. If Jackson wanted to sit there and drink, he could do it without me looking at him. I didn’t want to be like Sally. Was I like her? Running around after a guy who had no interest in me? I’d hate to think that.
No, I wasn’t.
If Jackson had shown no interest, I’d have never gone for him. He always acted like a gentleman but he did those things, like stroke my arm or sit closer than he needed to. Sometimes, when we sat at the bar together, our knees would touch accidentally and I’d wait for him to pull away but he wouldn’t. It’d be like our secret thing. We’d sit there like normal but touching where no one could see. It wasn’t a huge deal but it was something special to me.
We’d never do that again now.
How pathetic was I that my sex life was nothing more than touching knees? We hadn’t held hands, we hadn’t kissed. We’d only gone as far as that slight touch before he rejected me forever.
“Do you ever think we’ll find out about Alex’s mysterious past?” Carlie said.
“I reckon he killed a man,” said Jackson.
Carlie turned her back on him, freezing him out of the conversation. She didn’t have to do that but I wasn’t sure how to say it without drawing more attention to what she did. Of course, she had to talk to Jackson. She couldn’t ignore a customer just because she was annoyed with him.