“Don’t worry, Gina. It’s just friends here. You’ll be fine.”
It was okay for Drew to say that. He didn’t seem to have the same fears I had. I ordered a drink and gulped it down. I could do this. I’d be fine. It was just singing.
In a room full of people.
People who did it professionally.
I wanted to help Drew and, when he’d asked, I hadn’t thought about it too deeply. But I’d had time to obsess since then. So much could go wrong. I had no business getting up on stage and singing as though I knew what I was doing. I’d practiced a heap with Drew but that was different. No one watched us. Even if I’d sounded okay then, there was no promise that my voice would be anywhere near as good tonight.
I clutched hold of Drew.
“I’m not sure I can do it. I have bad stomach cramps. I might have a virus.”
“Gina, it’s just nerves. You have nothing to worry about. It’s not like anyone who matters will be watching.”
No one who matters? I hadn’t even thought of that aspect. It’d been bad enough Jackson laughing at me once. If he did it again, I’d die. I’d curl up into a little ball and die. My mouth felt so dry, I gulped down another drink.
Violet and Razer came over to join us.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I told them. Everyone had told them thousands of times since the announcement but it seemed that you couldn’t say it enough to express the full extent of the missing. Trouble wouldn’t be the same without Violet. This was her place much more than it was ever Alex’s or the previous owner, Chuck’s.
“Oh, I’ll phone in every night to make sure things are okay.”
“No, you won’t.” Razer crossed his arms. I think that was an issue between them.
“Only for the first few weeks. Sally will need some support.”
“Remember the time difference, you’ll probably have to call at some awful hour of the morning,” I added. “It’ll be really hard to deal with that, especially when Razer is playing so many shows and all that traveling, and everything will be strange.”
I was so nervous, I’d started raving. I had no idea what I was even saying, it just felt like words would fill up the space where the nerves lived.
“Oh yeah, I’ll have to deal with that. Shit. I’ll need to download an app for it.”
The room filled up. The staff and regulars from the bar. Plus, bands that Razer knew and some of his fans. I couldn’t believe that two people knew so many people. If I had a party and invited everyone I was friends with, you could hold it in the toilets.
I had a few more drinks before I had to sing, and I started relaxing. I could actually think about singing without needing to vomit. I tried not to think about it, though. I just thought about talking and drinking.
I had almost forgotten I’d planned to sing when Drew grabbed me.
“Come on, Gina,” he said. “We’re on.”
It was too late to back out. If only I hadn’t promised Drew. If I was just me, then I’d run as fast as I could, but Drew worked so hard on this song. I couldn’t let him down.
My heart beat so furiously, it actually hurt me. I never even knew that was possible.
When I got up on that stage, my stomach lurched. The crowd hadn’t looked so crowdy when I was part of it but, from the stage, it seemed there were a million people in the room. The lights shone in my face so I could only see their outline. Hell, I hoped no one noticed how nervous I was.
Drew smiled at me. “You’ll be fine,” he said and picked up his guitar, plugging it into the amp.
I rubbed my hand across my forehead so that the sweat didn’t drip into my eyes. Those lights were hot. And every single person in this room had become a tormentor just waiting for me to make a mistake. My parched throat felt like it was closing up.
Someone had put water on the stage and I grabbed a bottle, gulping it down so fast the plastic bottle crumpled. That was a mistake. Why hadn’t I gone to the toilet before I went on stage? I’d had enough drinks that my bladder cried out. Could I even sing like that?
“Ready?” Drew asked.
I nodded but I wasn’t ready. I’d never be ready. I just wanted this over. I’d sing. I’d screw up. Everyone would laugh and I’d run out and never leave my house again. But at least it’d be done.
Drew played the opening notes and I waited for my cue. I opened my mouth and my voice came out in a strangled squeak. I thought I heard someone laugh but I wasn’t sure. Everything outside of me blurred. I had to sing more. I had to relax. If I relaxed, I’d be able to sing okay.