“For you,” he said.
I stared at the drink in his hand, not wanting to accept it. Scared that if I didn’t take it, he’d get angry.
I took the drink from him but move away, back to help on the door.
Chapter 33 Jackson
GINA WAS UPSTAIRS. I tried to think about other things but that was the only thought in my head. I wanted to run to her, get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness but I couldn’t. That wouldn’t be fair to her. I was a mess. A total shambles.
She made it plain she didn’t want to see me and I should keep it like that. I’d hurt her. She’d been the only one to believe in me and I’d screwed that up. I could tell her about Fred and how I had five years of anger building up inside me but that was just an excuse. What she wanted, more than anything, was for me to make a 100% effort to recover. Not to dick around.
I’d been a damn fool. Fred might’ve been the one to start things but no one had condemned me to live out my days as a miserable bastard – except me. There was no need to let him keep damaging me.
“Gina’s upstairs,” said Drew, appearing beside me.
“Your point?”
“Oh, I just thought you’d want to know, in case you decided to do something smart, like crawl over broken glass to beg her forgiveness or something. Jackson, you are a fool.”
“And you are getting way too mouthy. Gina knows where I am if she wants to see me.”
“She knows where you are but she doesn’t know you want to see her. She thinks you’ve thrown her aside. You are far too wasteful with the things life gives you, Jackson.”
I wanted to give the little shit a backhander for that. Mainly because he’d hit the nail on the head far too well. That’s definitely what I was, wasteful.
When Drew went back upstairs, I thought about it. It might take more courage than I possessed to even get Gina to look at me. I had nothing to offer, not even hope. What Drew had wrong was that this wasn’t just a case of going upstairs and saying, “Hey Gina, how’s things?”
If I went to her, I’d have to do with my heart in my hands. No holding back. No screwing around. I had to bury the ghosts of my past so they didn’t haunt our future together.
There was this thing Gina did when she watched a band. No one in the world probably even noticed it but me. Her eyes widened and had a special shine in them. I kept thinking about that. How, in about ten minutes’ time, when Alex came onstage, she’d get that look. She’d have that shine. She’d be upstairs, shining, and I’d be sitting down there at that bar not seeing it.
I held up my whiskey glass. “You are not my friend,” I told it. “I thought you were but you’re just a prop to my pathetic life.”
“Hey, Jackson, have you finally lost it completely?” Carlie screwed up her face, as though assessing my sanity.
“No, Carlie, I think I’m actually starting to work it out. I need to get my shit together. Do you think Gina will ever forgive me?”
“Well, if I forgave Holden, there’s hope for anyone. What you have to understand about Gina is that she’s scared to fight. She’s had the fight knocked out of her by someone. So, her instinct is to run away. She’s gonna run from you when she should just punch you in the face and be done with it. In the meantime, I’m stuck down here working while everyone else is upstairs watching Alex work it in his tight leather pants. Damn staff, refusing to change shifts with me.”
“What does Holden think of you checking out Alex in his tight leather pants?”
“That bastard is coming in to catch Zero’s set after he’s finished recording.” Carlie sighed. “He’s not even keeping me company down here. So, he’s the one checking Alex out. I should be worried.”
“It’s a tough life,” I told her.
“Yeah, and you’re the only customer down here apart from those love birds in the corner. They aren’t even buying drinks.”
I put down my glass. “You’re in for a boring night, Carlie. I’m out of here.”
“Yeah, you just wanna check out Alex’s package too,” she called after me.
Gina would never forgive me and she’d never take me back. I couldn’t ask that of her. But I needed to be upstairs. I wouldn’t bother her, I’d just stand at a distance and watch her shine.
Chapter 34 Jackson
“WHERE’S GINA?” I ASKED Sally.
I’d done a lap around the room and not seen her. Hell, if a man is going to watch a woman from a distance, he needs to find her first.