I shook my head. I couldn’t remember anything like that. They’d been so occupied with my physical problems.
“You said you loved me but you couldn’t be the man I needed. I think you can. I think you have it in you.”
The way she believed in me was a miracle in itself. I’d tried to deny these problems, the depression and the suicide, for so long that just telling her had been a huge ordeal. I figured she’d run from me. Maybe she’d stick around for a while so she didn’t look heartless, but eventually, she’d run.
She didn’t look like someone who had running on their mind. Instead, she looked like a woman who truly loved me. I’d never had that from anyone before in my life. Not from my family, not from my friends and never from a woman.
“Gina, I need your help.” I gulped hard as I said those words. Saying them was the hardest thing I’d ever done.
“You know I’ll always help you.”
“I mean, I want you beside me all the way. It’s not going to be easy. I’m a cranky old bastard who’s way past his used-by date. I’ve got a ton of issues I need to work through and I’m never going to be easy to live with, but by god, I want to try with you.”
She nodded. “I knew all that long ago.”
“Please don’t leave me. Don’t move back home. Stay here with me.”
She squeezed my hand tighter.
“I mean it, what I’m asking isn’t going to be easy, and you have to fight. When I get stubborn and weak, you need to fight me. You need to yell and scream and kick me in the arse. I need to know what you’re feeling.”
She nodded again. “You could try just not being stubborn and cantankerous, you know. Then I’d not need to say a thing.”
“I’ll try. I can’t promise it all the time but I’ll try. Help me, Gina.” Words I thought I’d never say to anyone.
She held me tight. “Of course, I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
The sun had risen completely now and the city had woken up. Life rushed on around us as I sat there with Gina. I couldn’t believe she’d said those words and, even more, I couldn’t believe that I believed her.
Chapter 37 Gina
JACKSON’S PROBLEMS didn’t disappear overnight. I never expected they would. That week though, he called me. He’d made an appointment to see a specialist at the hospital. That’s what he called her, a specialist. He never used the words shrink or psychiatrist. If that’s what he needed to do, then I wasn’t going to correct him.
“I’ll pick you up afterward,” I said to him.
It wasn’t like I was working or had anything else do to. I’d unpacked.
When Jackson came out from his appointment, he looked overwrought. Understandably so.
“You really need a drink,” I said. “Let’s go to Trouble.”
He shook his head.
“I’d rather go to your place.” He gave me a weak smile. “You mentioned once about making me lasagne.”
“I can do that,” I said, and squeezed his arm.
“It’s going to take a long time, Gina,” he said while we walked. “I have to take meds. Maybe they’ll work for me, but it might take weeks.”
“We can do it,” I said. So long as Jackson kept trying, I’d be with him. What else would I do? I needed him in my life.
“You never know...”
“Hey, I’m not doing this for your sake. I’m doing it for my own. Without you, I’m miserable and lonely. I don’t want that. I want to be with you, no matter what.”
We walked along the riverside in the afternoon sun. People lazed around on the grass beside the path. A mother played with her baby, while it waved its arms and legs in the air.
As I watched them playing, I thought about our future. The one thing I wanted more than any other. I wouldn’t mention it to Jackson now. It’d definitely take a while before he was ready for that conversation, but one day...