Alex
I wanted to reach out to Dee, to hold her hand. She’d made the effort to be happy but those dark thoughts hadn’t disappeared, they had just been pushed aside. I’d never get her to trust me but I figured I could get her to smile a bit and take her mind off things.
If anyone could understand her, I could. The dark thoughts inside, I had the same ones. With her, everything showed so clearly on her face, while I kept things buried deep. There were things that Dee didn’t know, that’d I would put my life on the line to protect her from knowing and without revealing those things, she’d hate me forever.
Demons chased me, they haunted my dreams. I couldn’t even turn to drink. Not anymore. I’d have a few beers at the bar but I could never lose myself in the stuff. Not after that night. Sometimes I’d have moments, even days, where I forgot but those thoughts never disappeared completely. They were always at the back of my mind, a black cloud over any happiness.
The only time I could shake them off was when I was on stage, playing. Those were the only moments when I had any freedom from the past. And those moments could never last forever.
So, that’s why I stood beside Dee. Almost touching her hand, almost pulling her to me, but not quite. I’d never be the man she turned to.
The sun shone on her face, highlighting the glow in her eyes. In another life, we could’ve been together. The more time I spent with her, the more I realised that she was the woman I needed. It wasn’t just that she was drop dead gorgeous or that she had a body I ached to explore. It went so much deeper than that. I’d met thousands of gorgeous women, had sex with more than my fair share, but none of that lasted. Not one of them gave me as much pleasure as one of Dee’s rare smiles.
Would it even be fair to pursue her though? She would be better off if I was a thousand miles away from her. If I could get near to her, if I could break down that wall, I’d have to be worthy of being there.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I said. “Are you fine to get home from here?”
“Just point me in the right direction,” she said.
A million words floated in my mind to answer that but I bit my tongue.
“If you turn left at the second corner, you get to Trouble. You know the way from there, right?”
She nodded but didn’t move. The hesitation made me wonder what was going on with her.
I wasn’t lying about having to leave though. I had a rehearsal session with the guys. As I moved away, she grabbed my arm. For a moment, her face was turned to mine as though she expected me to kiss her. Her eyes held no shadows and my heart raced to hold her to me.
Hell. I had to restrain myself with every ounce of self-control I possessed.
“Thanks. For helping me, I mean. I think I have a handle on this now.”
“No worries,” I said, giving her a quick salute before leaving.
As I walked off, I willed myself not to look back at her.
I got to rehearsal and waited for Fabian. Hedley turned up about five minutes late but he’d at least sent a text to let me know. The two of us set up but Fabian still hadn’t arrived. I got out my notebook and thumbed through my notes. I didn’t like to chat before rehearsal. I know people thought I was cold but I had no desire to become best buddies with my band mates. We had a working relationship and I intended keeping it at that level. Hedley was pretty cool with that anyway. He was more interested in messing around with his drums than chatting.
After about half an hour, Fabian came in.
“Sorry I’m late.”
“You’re sorry?” I said. “You’ve just wasted our time. We don’t have the entire day to sit around waiting for you to decide we’re worthy to fit into your schedule.”
Fabian flushed. Good. I hoped he felt bad. I wanted him to feel bad. He’d fucked up and I was in no mood for dealing with his shit.
“I had car trouble…”
“And phone trouble?”
He shrugged. That just made me angry. I had no sympathy for his “car trouble”. If he couldn’t be professional, I’d get another bass player. I didn’t need him.
“I said I was sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, just don’t do it agai
n. If you aren’t invested in this band then tell me now. I don’t have time for screwing around.”
I really didn’t need this kind of pressure when we were so close to being picked up by a label. But then it was terrible timing to look for a new bass player too. Annoyance buzzed within me like a hive of bees and, while I knew it wasn’t all about Fabian, I needed him to stop fucking up.