The coffee hadn’t made a crack in the fog around me, but I was fine to drive, I thought.
Then Jake stopped snoring and I tried to shake him again.
Everything happened in a blur. There was a moment of, “OH FUCK!” then a falling sensation. Everything happened so fast, yet like it was in slow motion too. I pumped the brakes, hoping for I don’t know what, since we were rolling. There was no road to get traction on.
I blacked out for a while, but remember trying to escape, being unable to undo my seat belt. Jake’s face was covered in blood. It didn’t look like him but some weird distortion, a photo with a crazy filter over it.
We were in the car together for what seemed like an eternity. Jake didn’t regain consciousness, but the noise he made was horrifying, like he’d been broken inside. I couldn’t help him; I could barely help myself. I needed to unlatch my seatbelt and find my phone.
It’d been in the console but must’ve gone flying when we crashed. I’d held onto the thought that, if I couldn’t find my phone, eventually Steve and Pete would come back looking for us. They never did.
Finally, I loosened the seat belt enough to wiggle out of it and located my phone.
By that time, Jake had stopped making any noise at all. I told myself he’d just blacked out again. It was better that way. He could escape the pain. I lied to myself because I couldn’t accept the truth.
And that was it. In that moment, a few seconds of distraction, Jake’s life had ended. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t pay someone to make it not happen. I sure as hell couldn’t turn back the clock. All I could do was live with that mistake which had ruined so many lives. I no longer got close to people. I couldn’t let them in because of this curse I carried with me.
I had that cloud and I had the nightmares that stopped me from sleeping. Maybe, in the course of a three-minute rock song, I could lose myself. That was the best I could hope for, moments of oblivion. I’d thought I could find absolution with Dee but that was a sham. Even if it were possible, I didn’t deserve absolution. I’d live with this because I had to. That was my fall out.
So no, I didn’t want Pete telling Dee the truth about what happened. What would that buy me? I’d still not be forgiven. I wouldn’t get peace and I couldn’t get free. It’d only make her hurt and, if I could take a bit of pain to ease hers a little, so be it. It was a sacrifice I had to make.
Dee
Sally and I had started having coffee together every now and then. She was trying to get over Alex and I needed someone to bitch to about him.
“Seriously,” she said, “you should find out about the song rights.”
She’d told me a few times but I’d not followed up. The only thing I’d done was ask Mum and Dad about it. They knew nothing and told me if there was any money coming from it or anything like that, I could have it.
I was sure that it’d be nothing.
“Yeah, it’s worth nothing now, while Alex is just playing at his club, but he’s just got signed. If one of those songs becomes a huge hit, that’s millions of dollars. Well, maybe not millions but a whole pile of cash, anyway. Every time someone plays that song, you should get money. Put your stake in now. Stake it like it’s a vampire. Not even a hot, sparkly vampire like in Twilight but an old school, hideous vampire. Stake it like it was Alex in vampire form.”
I think the getting-over Alex was going well for her. She was at the mean stage of recovery. For me, not so much. It was a dull and persistent ache. Chronic Alex Syndrome. My body craved him so much, even though everything about that was wrong. God, though, the things that man had done to me with his fingers and his mouth. I could not obliterate those thoughts.
Before that, I’d only dated a few guys. Some teenage groping in the back seat of a car or at parties. All hurried and clumsy. It’d been fun but not that much fun. Alex knew exactly what he was doing. If you could study sex, Alex would have a PhD.
“You’re thinking about him,” Sally said. “You have that look in your eyes. That ‘I’d do anything for Alex’s cock’ look.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Hell yeah, you are. You are even blushing. Don’t let me hold you back. If you want him, go for him.”
“I don’t want him.”
“Yeah, you do. And I mean it, maybe if you got together with him, it’d make it easier for me.”
I twisted the napkin in my hand. “I don’t want him,” I repeated, hoping to make myself believe it. “I want revenge.”
“So, how’s that going?”
“Terrible. I’m the worst revenger ever. I had a plan but it was an ill-conceived plan. Mostly it involved finding him then turning up here and making him uncomfortable. Now, I have no idea where to go with it. What can I do? Beat him up? Break his guitar-playing fingers? Spread rumours about him?”
“I see your problem. Can’t you get him prosecuted with the full force of the law?”
“I’ve thought about that a lot. They did nothing at the time. There’s no evidence that it was more than an accident. People saw him get into the car, barely able to walk, but that means nothing. His parents paid a lot of money to keep him out of trouble. And the local police chief is their best buddy.”
Sally sucked on her cheeks and thought about it.