Below Deck (Anchored 5)

“Now just look at that sky,” Grandmother says. She wiggles on the soft quilt to make herself comfortable. After a moment, she settles.

“It’s pretty,” 13-year-old-me agrees. I reach for my grandmother’s hand and she takes it, squeezing my hand gently.

“Pretty soon you’ll go off into the world,” she says. “But no matter how far you go, pretty girl, you know that every night, I’m going to look at the stars and think of you.”

“Really?”

“Oh, absolutely.” She turns to me now, propping herself up on one elbow. Grandma is getting older, but she still seems so young. She’s the wisest, smartest person I’ve ever met. “We all share the same sky, June. So promise me something.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“Promise me that no matter where you go, you’ll look at the sky and think of me, too.”

“Of course I will, Grandma.”

“I love you, little Junie. I’ll always love you.”

I shake my head. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I watch the sky, thinking of Grandma. I kept my promise to her for so long. I moved away for college, like so many young kids do, and every night that I was gone, I looked at the sky and thought of Grandma.

Then I moved back, and we looked at the sky together, just like when I was a kid.

Now I’m staring at the most beautiful stars I’ve ever seen, but I’m not looking at them with my Grandmother because she died and left me alone.

And that’s the real problem, isn’t it?

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let her go. She was my best friend in the entire world, and then she disappeared. Now I have so many questions I want to ask her about my life, about Ryder, about everything, and I can’t because one month ago, I buried Grandma.

Now my tears are streaming down my cheeks faster, and I sloppily wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. It’s then that I peer down at the parking lot and realize Ryder is heading back to the club. He’s coming back to me, and I’ve been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I stopped following his directions.

Fuck.

What were his directions?

I know he wanted me to kneel, but how? I scurry to the center of my bedroom and look around wildly, trying to remember if he wanted my arms in front of me or behind me. Was I supposed to kneel up? Kneel down? Bra and panties? Nothing?

Fuck.

Me.

Stupid.

Time is wasting away and Ryder will be back any moment. I need to hurry up and figure something out because if I don’t, he’s going to be back and when he sees that I didn’t follow his very first directions, I’m going to be in trouble.

Not that getting in trouble is always a bad thing.

Maybe it won’t be with Ryder.

Maybe when he pulls me over his lap and pushes my panties down, I won’t mind the fact that it means I disobeyed.

Maybe I won’t mind being exposed to him.

Maybe I won’t mind showing off.

I reach for the first hook on my corset and I wonder what he’s going to think when he sees me naked for the first time, when he touches me for the first time.

“Fuuuck,” I groan as I finish taking off my corset and reach for the top button of my jeans. I jump up and down as I wiggle out of the jeans. I knew they were too tight, but I just had to wear them. Well, now they’re not coming down over my hips.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I try pushing harder, but the denim just won’t budge. This cannot be happening. Ryder is going to be back any second. I can hear his heavy footsteps in the hallway. If I don’t hurry it up, I’m going to be half-dressed when he comes in, and then I’ll look like a silly, silly submissive.