Birthday Girl

Her chest rises and falls with shallow breaths, and she looks miserable. I don’t know what to do.

“This is killing me,” I whisper, shooting my eyes to her window to make sure Lindsay isn’t watching. “Fucking killing me, knowing you are in his bed.”

“Then you should’ve told them the truth,” she fires back. “That she could use my room all she wants, because I sleep in your bed now.”

She pushes herself to her feet, dusting off her ass, and I can’t look at her in the eye anymore. She sleeps in my bed now. Yes, she does.

And I want her there more than anything right now.

“If you want me, we’re going to have to face him sooner or later,” she says. “You can’t keep me cooped up here, Pike. I want to do things with you, go out with you, go to dinner, kiss you, and not have to worry about being behind closed doors when I do it.”

I’m quiet for a moment, and she doesn’t wait for me to find my tongue. She stalks off toward the house, and I frantically glance up at her window again before shooting off to go get her. Grabbing her hand, I pull her around the corner of the house and back her up against the wall.

“We can’t,” I plead, staring down at her. “Not yet. What we’re doing isn’t right. Everyone will talk. Cole won’t understand.”

Her eyes glisten with tears as she stares up at me, but her jaw tenses with anger.

I back up a step, running my hand through my hair. “What if this ends in two weeks, and I’ve destroyed what relationship I do have with my kid, because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants?” I tell her. “I should’ve just kept my hands off you! Why couldn’t I resist? Huh?”

It’s a rhetorical question, but it’s the truth. I should’ve kept my hands off. Who the hell knows how Cole will take this? How much deeper could Lindsay sink her claws into him over this? Everything I’ve done in my life was for him. I didn’t go to college because she wouldn’t work, and we needed money. I worked my ass off, so I could afford everything he would need. He’s finally coming around, and this could ruin everything.

She’s quiet for a while, and I hate it. I want to know what she’s thinking, and when she’s angry, at least I know she wants to fight. Right now, her breathing is slow and steady, and she just stares at me, too calm.

She nods to herself. “It’s not worth it,” she deciphers. And then she starts to walk away. “I know you’re right.”

“Jordan…”

“No, it’s okay.” She stops. “I get it. I knew my sister was right. This was never going to happen.”

That’s not…

But i

t is what I meant, isn’t it? If I can’t tell him now, was I ever planning to? When would it be easier? After they’ve been broken up a couple years?

When I don’t respond, she glances at me. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

She walks for the back door, and I feel like I’ve been kicked. I feel like I’m never going to see her again.

I race after her, catching her hand and stopping her. “Don’t,” I beg. “Jesus, I didn’t mean that. Jordan, I…you are worth it. I just…” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay,” she says, sounding so calm I’m scared. “It really is. I should thank you, actually. I’ve been trying for years, it seems, to be the kind of woman I admire, and all of a sudden I feel like I am that woman now. I know I’m worth it. You’re just not.”

She moves to walk away, and I stop her again. “Jordan.”

This time she whips around, holding her head high and yanking her hand out of my grasp. “Tell him now then,” she demands.

The air rushes from my lungs with the ultimatum.

“Tell him with me now,” she says, “so I can go get in our bed, and we can go to sleep and tomorrow we can start to move forward, because it will all be done, and we won’t have to worry about it anymore.” Her eyes challenge me. “Tell him now.”

I open my mouth to speak. To tell her I will. I’ll march up right now and tell my son the truth. That I think I love her, and I’m sorry, and I didn’t mean to hurt him.

But I know I’m right. She’ll be back to school full time in two months, meeting guys who are educated and have their whole lives in front of them. I’m not upsetting my family when I don’t know what this is yet. She has no right to ask that of me.

She starts to back away, the blue in her eyes like ice.

“It’s so incredible how fast it can happen, isn’t it?” she says as she slowly leaves me. “How I feel absolutely nothing for you now.”