Like Owen, I convinced myself I deserved punishment. I did m
y time, I got out, but the guilt is still there.
I haven’t been involved with my family since that night. They wanted nothing to do with me. I was the troubled son, the fuck up, the mistake. My parents didn’t visit me. I didn’t get one letter.
Well, that’s not true.
I did get one.
From Heather.
But to this day, I haven’t opened it.
And I won’t.
That’s the past. The last thing I want to do is relive the worst days of my life. I need to let go and move on, but that’s easier said than done.
Two
Heather
The sheets are soft.
I rub my cheek against the Egyptian cotton, letting it soak up the tears. I haven’t been able to stop crying since I got here. I think it’s been a few days. I’m not really sure. I haven’t looked at a clock. I haven’t really spoken to anyone.
I just feel very…
Empty and confused.
Everything on my body hurts. I have bruises, scratches, and dark fingerprints on my thighs; I haven’t been able to look at them. It’s a reminder of what happened. Not that I need reminding. Every time I close my eyes, I see him there, hovering over me, gripping the space between my legs, scratching me with his nails, and spitting on his hand to get me nice and wet.
I can smell him too. If I think hard enough, he’s here, his soured whiskey breath huffing on my face as he grins at me, his yellow teeth rotted, and the insane gleam in his eyes as he believed I really wanted him.
No matter how many times I shower, I can’t scrub hard enough to get him off me. He’s in my skin. He has made himself at home in my bones. My soul is tainted, broken, and I’m used. I’m damaged goods now.
I’m dirty now.
I grab the pillow in my hands and shove it over my face, sobbing uncontrollably. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to get over it, but how? I don’t know how when every time I close my eyes, I see him.
Jolie’s boyfriend saved me, but saved me to what capacity? I’m just here. I’ll never know the woman I knew before I got kidnapped while visiting my sister’s grave. I wasn’t happy that day; I never am when I go to visit Grace, but life was good.
I was six months away from getting my master’s degree. Six-months. All that hard work, all the hours studying, all of the late-night phone calls with my dad to try and understand what the hell I was doing, and for what?
Because the thought of leaving this bed is too much. It’s safe here. I never want to open the door to the outside world again. This bed is warm, it is comfortable, it is safe. No one can hurt me here.
I turn over onto my back and wipe my cheeks with my hands, staring at the ceiling as if the fan has all the answers. The blades spin and the air conditioning comes on, letting the temperature of the room drop to freezing, which I love because I can cuddle in the blanket.
“Heather?” Jolie’s calls for me from the other side of the bedroom door that I keep locked. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t think I ever will. “I brought food. I thought you’d be hungry and some orange juice. That sounds good, right?”
I stay silent, curling up in the bed, and turn on my right side. I look out the window, watching the fog get thinner as the sun rises through the trees and peeks through the clouds. The waves crash against the rocks, creating a beautiful lullaby, and the seagulls sing to one another as they wake up.
I’m thankful I’m staring at such a gorgeous view with trees that disappear into the sky instead of a dirty, blood ridden floor and rusted stirrups.
“He’s dead. He’s dead,” I say out loud to myself, so I can hear the words on an exhaled breath. “He can’t hurt you here. You’re safe.” I clutch the down feather pillow and hug it to my chest.
“And then maybe after you eat, I can call the doctor for you? You really need to be checked out and make sure everything is okay,” Jolie says gently, sighing as she waits for me to say something.
I’m too tired to speak, and I don’t care about what the doctor finds or what they have to say. A part of me wants to die. I’ve never felt like this before. I have had an easy life, privileged, up until my sister died, and even after that, I had everything I wanted because my parents felt like they had to give me more. I am their only daughter now. They wanted to give me the world.