It’s kind of her to say, but there is only one person I’m wondering will be there for me, but I think that ship has sailed.
And I’m left waiting at the dock for him to turn around and come back for me.
Only I’ve been abandoned, and it is no one’s fault but my own.
Nine
Heather
When it was time for me to leave, Asher wasn’t there to say goodbye to me. It cuts me wide open and yet my turmoil doesn’t spill out of me. It wraps itself around me like a snake, constricting my ribcage, lungs, and heart, until I’m gasping for breath.
And I have to hide my struggle because I don’t deserve for anyone to feel sorry for me.
“Do you feel okay?” Officer Howard asks as we drive an hour south where my hometown is. “Are there any questions you have for me?”
“I’m good, thanks for asking, and no, I don’t. I’m assuming this exchange will go off without a hitch? Do my parents know I’m coming home yet?”
“Yes, they know. They are already at the police station waiting for you. They drove over right when they got the call.”
“Oh,” I say, waiting to feel happiness or relief, but I don’t. I’m back to feeling absolutely nothing. I know I’ll be happy when I see them, but I’m not looking forward to what will come after. The stories, the people wanting to come over to see me with their own two eyes, the rumors that will drift around about what actually happened to me, the newspaper, reporters. Now that dad is the governor, all eyes will be on our family. I don’t want to be in the spotlight, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone to know what happened to me.
It’s private, but I know it’s better to be open and honest now, than have a million stories brew on their own.
“You know, I can understand why you don’t want to go back.”
“It’s not that. I do want to see my parents. It’s just a lot to take in. A lot has happened and I’m not ready to see the heartache in their face when they see their daughter. But I’m not the same daughter they knew before. I’m different. I don’t know if that is ever going to be good enough for them. I’m not the woman that wants to be in a crowded room with strangers staring at her. I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to plaster on a smile at another charity event. I want to be left alone for a little bit and I know my mother isn’t going to allow that to happen.”
“How do you know they won’t be okay with all that? I’m sure they will be glad to get their daughter back. In any way, shape, or form.”
“Yeah, I have a feeling that’s what everyone says until they get to know the shadow of the person that has returned. I bet they won’t know how to act around me.”
“Of course, they won’t,” he agrees. “They will need to learn who you are now, so remember that, okay? You’re learning and they are learning. It will take time.”
“Right,” I whisper, staring out the window to see the redwood trees kissing the sky. They speed by us fast, it’s what it looks like anyway, but I know it’s us moving since trees can’t just up and run.
Officer Howard’s phone rings and he takes one hand off the wheel to unclip the phone from his belt buckle. When he has it in hand, he slides the button across the screen and brings it to his ear. “Officer Howard,” he answers. “Yes, she’s right here. Of course.” He hands the phone to me and says, “It’s the doctor with your results.”
A lump forms in my throat and my stomach is full of a hundred rocks weighing me down. I break out in a cold sweat as I wrap my hand around the phone. I swallow, coating my dry throat, hoping it stops the
nausea. “Hello?” I answer.
“Heather, I wanted to talk to you about your results,” Doctor Bradshaw replies.
Tilting my head back, I let out a long, heavy breath. It’s best if she rips the bandage off. “What’s wrong with me?” I ask.
“Nothing. Your pregnancy test came back negative, same for the STD screening, and your pap looked great. You’re heathy. Gain five pounds for me, though?” I can hear the smile in her voice, she’s truly happy with the news she gave me.
I double over and hold my stomach as a heavy weight is lifted off my shoulders I didn’t know was there. Grinning, I cry like a loon, shoulders shaking with the force. I need a minute to compose myself. I was so scared that I was going to be pregnant just like Jolie had been, but she had lost the baby.
“Heather? Are you okay? I thought this news—”
“—No, it’s perfect. I’m just happy and relieved. Thank you so much.” I dry my tears on my shirt sleeve.
“You’re welcome, dear,” she softens her tone, speaking to me like I’m a child. “I hope you have a safe and healthy rest of your life Heather. Stay safe, okay?”
“I’ll do my best,” I say, then hand the phone back to Officer Howard since it is his and I have nothing left to say.
“Hello?” he asks, then drops the phone in his lap when he doesn’t get an answer. “She already hung up.”