"I'm just tired, Kova. I'm so, so tired…tired of it all. Of everything," I glanced away, eyeing the sliding glass door. We sat in a comfortable silence until Kova spoke.
"Tell me something," he said gently.
My eyes shifted to his.
His fingers continued moving higher up my legs, massaging the tight muscles. If he kept this up, I was really going to fall asleep.
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
I mused over his question. "I don't know… A lot can happen in ten years. I guess if I had the power to make it happen as I wanted, I hope to be doing something that involves gymnastics, maybe coaching. I would hope to have done some traveling, I’d love to see the world. I hope ten years from now that I'm close to starting a family…somewhere far from here." I paused.
Maybe meet my real mom, but I didn't say that.
Kova regarded me with cautious eyes then said, "If you were backed up against a wall with a decision that could change your life, what would you do?"
"Well, that depends on the situation."
"What would you do?"
"Would this decision make me happy or sad in the end?"
His eyes left mine for a second then came back. He hesitated before saying, "It is hard to say."
I exhaled and looked into his eyes, trying to figure out why he would ask such a serious question and how I could answer it the right way.
"I guess I'd have to ask myself who would be benefiting from my decision, who I would be hurting or making happy, and how I would feel waking up every day with the choices I've made. Sometimes we do things for others, even if it hurts us. Some of us are stronger and can handle the burden, while others cannot." I paused, something else coming to me. "To make the impossible possible, you have to twist the situation around so you're not the only one left with your back against a wall. Everyone needs a hero, but you have to save yourself first before you can save everyone else."
I reflected on myself, and wondered if what I was saying was actually what I was feeling. I lost a little of myself while I was home. It left a hole in me that I wasn't sure would ever heal. It damaged me and left me in a corner hurting and crying and feeling so alone. I needed a friend, I needed someone's guidance, someone to show me how to make everything right when it felt so, so wrong.
It was exactly what Kova was asking, and what I was feeling. And I had to wonder if he was feeling the same way too.
I swallowed back my emotions and tried to smile, but it was forced, and he saw it. We were holding back, and we both knew it.
Kova waved his hand, his eyes tight around the corners. "Come, let us go." Before I could protest, Kova scooped me up and I melted into the security of his arms, loving how strong and powerful he was. "Come, malysh. You are going to bed. You need rest."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and nestled my face into his shoulder. He gripped my knees to his chest. "I was resting until you barged into my condo, you know," I said, jokingly.
"Ria, you are far too light. It worries
me."
I didn't respond as Kova walked toward my room. Closing my eyes, I inhaled his cologne.
"Did you just sniff me?" he asked, like he had a mouthful of sour lemons.
I chuckled. "You always smell so good. Even at the gym, you smell amazing."
"Spasibo." Kova paused. "Thank you."
Leaving the light off in my bedroom, Kova gently laid me on my bed. The hallway light was on, leaving a pale light to shine in my room and a shadow to cast over his face. Kova removed his hands from under my legs, but I didn’t let go.
"Don't leave yet," I whispered. I wasn't ready to let go.
"Ria, I have to go."
"Please?" My voice broke. "Just for another minute, stay with me."
"Ria," he urged, "I really must leave."