Release (Off Balance 3)

Kova smoothed the hair back from my face with a gentleness I wasn't expecting. His hands shook and I tried not to read into it. He was too close, and it was suffocating me.

"I never meant to hurt you."

His words caused a deep ache in my chest and my eyes narrowed to slits. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. If he never meant to, then he wouldn't have hurt me. His words meant nothing.

"Please leave. Go home to your wife. You know, Katja? The woman who’s wearing the diamond you put on her finger?"

Kova's jaw flexed and he tilted his face toward mine. He tried to graze his nose against mine, but I swiftly turned my head away.

"I do not ever want to hear those two words in the same sentence ever again." His nose drifted along my jaw down to my neck. "Especially from your beautiful lips. In another time, another world, that ring would be on your finger and you would not be fighting me. I would be making love to you all day, every day. I would not be with her."

My breath lodged in my throat. He knew no bounds. He said her with such malevolence and loathing that I almost questioned him. But I couldn’t. I didn't want to engage.

"How much did you drink tonight?" Not that alcohol was an excuse, but I couldn’t imagine that even for one second he actually meant what he said for once. I knew better now, and I refused to allow his words to affect me ever again.

"Not enough," he chuckled, and damn it all, it sent a shiver through my body. I wouldn’t be deterred, though. I ground my teeth and put up a wall so big he’d never be able to scale it.

"It’s been a long day. I need you to go. I want to be alone now."

Quietly, and very much to my surprise, he agreed with the slightest dip of his chin. I let out a silent sigh of relief and watched as he stood up and patted his pockets for his keys.

Kova glanced down and the look of devastation on his face broke my heart further into pieces. His eyes…his eyes always got to me. But I wouldn't be swayed. Not this time.

Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I said, "I'll see you early Monday for practice."

He didn't say anything. He just stood there, his eyes asking for so many things. Silently pleading for me to forgive him, for me to ask him to stay. And that wrecked me because he was reaching for me without doing anything, but that was us. We could feel without touch, could listen without words. All we needed was that one look, that intake of breath, and that was it. Kova didn't need to do anything but just be there.

"You have a blading session afterwards," he said, his voice resigned.

"I know."

I wish he hadn't shown that he was looking out for me. I wanted him to not care. I needed him to leave me alone. I need

ed to let go emotionally and detach myself, and I wondered how I was going to do that. Even though my body was an empty shell, my heart still beat for him. Beat for his seductive lies. Beat for who he was deep inside. Kova wasn’t a bad man. He just made awful choices.

After another moment, Kova turned and gave me his back, his shoulders slumped. I counted each step he took toward my door as he walked away. It took everything in me not to yell out and stop him. My fingers itched to reach out and my chest continued to cave from the loss.

Six. Six heart-wrenching steps was all it took for him to reach the door and pull it open. But it was the next step that did me in.

Seven was supposed to be a lucky number, but it represented our demise. On the seventh step, he gave me what I wanted and walked out. Seven steps, and he was taking my heart with him, the only thing that had any feeling left in me.

Kova had consumed my mind, heart, and soul. I couldn’t let him consume my life any longer. Falling in love with my gymnastics coach was the most excruciating form of self-destruction. From here on out, I would only love him in the dark.

* * *

I walked into World Cup on Monday a different person.

Same goal. One destiny. And one less priority.

My soul was quiet. No obstruction, no disturbance, no complication. My emotions were stagnant, like I'd shut a door and they were no longer in my way. I didn't feel hollow anymore. I was at peace, but I wasn't. It was like I didn’t exist. I was neither here nor there. I was indifferent.

I stuffed my bag into my locker and threw my hair into a messy bun, tucking the flyaways behind my ears. The last time I had stood here was when Reagan helped me after the shock of Kova's marriage. That felt like ages ago.

My mind still reeled over why she had been so nice to me, and had been there for me with sympathetic eyes I couldn't refuse. I hadn't spoken to her since then. My gut told me she wouldn’t tell anyone, and if she did, well… I just didn't care. I'd deny it anyway, and frankly, between her pill addiction and Hayden supplying them to her, I now had something to hold over her head.

Taking a deep breath, I slammed the metal locker door shut. Today would be interesting. I was prepared for the off chance that Kova cornered me. No. He wouldn’t do that. That was too personal. He would be just Coach from now on. I planned to tell Coach that unless it was gymnastics related, he wasn’t allowed to talk to me.

A headache began to form near my temple and I pressed on the painful area with my hand. I felt warm, like I had a fever. Quickly, I reopened my locker and dug out some Motrin. After downing them like they were candy, I made my way into the gym on unsteady legs. The last thing I needed was to get sick.