"Adrianna, the only thing I want you to worry about right now is gymnastics. That's your first and only focus. I will take care of the rest."
Take care of the rest, as if he could sweep it under the rug. We weren't talking about an old friend I hadn't seen in years, we were talking about the woman who begrudgingly raised me and then shut me out.
Dad gestured toward a small menu. "Do you want dessert?"
I shook my head. "Does she hate me?"
His eyes softened. "No, sweetheart, she could never hate you."
"Then why does she always act like it? Ever since I found out that I'm your dirty little secret—"
Dad's eyes popped and he pointed his finger toward me. "First of all, you're not my dirty little secret and don't you ever say that again."
Tomato, tomahto. "Then why hasn't she made any attempt to contact me or be part of my life?"
"How is that any different than before?" he said.
I snapped my mouth shut, sinking a little inside. I thought about his argument, and he was right. Dad was absolutely right on the mark. She had done so little to be part of my life, and only when it was convenient for her. She never went out of her way for me, and everything she did had a motive. The more I thought about it, the more it sickened me. Nothing had changed, and I was sure it never would now. I swallowed hard, the reality of the situation breaking my heart.
"I apologize," he said, regret filled his voice. "I shouldn't have said that."
"It's fine," I replied, shaking it off and cleared my face of any emotion. "You're right. There's no difference. I guess it's just wishful thinking is all."
I was sure there wasn't anything worse than being rejected by a parent for something you had no control over. It wasn't my fault I was born, or that I was the result of an affair. Joy—what a name for someone who was so miserable with her lavish life—took her hurt and anger out on the wrong person, and it was unjust. I needed to remember that, but pretending like the truth didn't faze me was a tough pill to swallow when it was killing me on the inside.
I had to wonder if I ever had a mother who cared. Joy certainly didn't. She made it blatantly obvious she was in the marriage for herself, and my biological mother had been paid off.
I was human. With emotions. Destroyed by the deceptions of my family. And Dad wanted me to forget it as if it were old news.
"Sometimes I forget you're not an adult."
"Dad, I'm not a baby anymore, but you're right," I said with an empty smile. "My only concern right now is gymnastics and nothing more."
If only it were so easy to believe the lies I told myself daily.
* * *
I hadn't cried in days, but this morning I woke with a sorrowful emptiness in my chest that nagged at me. I'd hardly slept despite the crippling exhaustion. My eyes were swollen, and I used the best, most expensive under-eye serum to reduce the puffiness and hide any strain that I could find.
That was how I got through each day, pretending I didn't have a care in the world. I was a goddamned robot all the while dying inside.
Recklessly bound together by sports tape, eye cream, and lame all-natural anti-inflammatory medicine Kova had given me, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I could feel it. It was as if the impending doom was curling inside of me. I really didn’t know how I got through each day, but today, I was deep in my feelings and hating it.
I'd been parked and sitting in front of World Cup for an hour in the rain now when I saw Holly and Hayden get out of their car. The plan was to come in early and train, but the moment I’d parked I was rendered motionless. Something about the weather and my emotions were working double time. All I could do was sit and stare. But now I was out of time and had to go in or Kova and Madeline were going to have my head. Especially since we’d revised my training schedule.
I watched Holly run inside, and then I popped my earbuds in and pulled my hood from my sweater over my head before opening my car door. I wanted to avoid talking to Hayden. With the way I was feeling, my new goal was to evade every other obstacle in my life that involved crushing a little more of my soul. It wasn't his fault, but having sex with Hayden had been a mistake I wished I could take back. I'd never tell him that, of course, but it was something that I should've never let happen.
Walking toward the front door of the gym, I was home free when a hand came down on my shoulder and stopped me. I spun around.
"Hey," Hayden said softly, his brows drawn together.
I pulled one ear bud out. "Hi."
"You didn't hear me calling your name?"
"I was listening to music," I lied. My phone started vibrating in my hand. I glanced down and my stomach dropped. It was the doctor's office calling me. They must've gotten the results of my blood test back.
"Do you need to get that?" Hayden asked, using his chin to point toward my cell phone.