I chuckled sadly. "To you? Or to everyone?"
"I mean, I didn't see you look at him with hearts in your eyes today. I'm sure you're careful not to in public, but when you talk ab
out him, you get this cheesy ass dreamy look in your eyes that embarrasses the shit out of me, but yeah, I can see it. I also know you, so you're asking the wrong chick."
"I'm scared he's going to hurt me again," I said quietly. "I don't want to be hurt again, Ave. I don't think I have the heart for it."
"Aid?"
I looked up.
"He's done a lot to hurt you, there's no denying that. Call me crazy, I can't even believe I'm going to side with Fish Lips, but I don't think all of it was intentional. Your situation isn't a usual one, and you both did things you wouldn't normally do. Do I think you should tread lightly? Fuck yeah, I do, for more reasons than one. Love is risky, and even though they say love shouldn't hurt, it always does because no one has a perfect love. It's all trial and error. If you allow yourself to love someone, you're giving them power over you. To me, that hurts. I don't want anyone to have any kind of power over me ever again. Yes, there are a ton of reasons why you should walk away and let it go, but can you think of at least one reason that makes you want to stay and chance it?"
I nodded immediately. I didn't hesitate.
"What is it?" she asked, her eyes soft.
"It sounds so stupid—"
"No, it doesn't. If it makes sense to you, then that's all that matters."
"He encourages me. I want to be a better person, a better gymnast, because of him. I can feel his energy and I love it. It gives me life. He's made me strong, even at my weakest point when I shut the world out, I could look for him and he would always just be right there. He doesn't even have to say anything, Avery, it's just like he knows, and I'm suddenly okay. Like a peace settles within me. I'm sure what I'm saying doesn’t make sense. I know he does things backwards all the time, says all the wrong things, and he doesn't always make sense in that moment, but eventually, it does." I paused and shook my head. Nothing I said out loud made sense. "You know what he said to me when I felt hopeless? When I was terrified and sinking into a deep depression? That I should use my sickness as inspiration, that I should live for it instead of allowing it to kill me." My voice dropped. "He said he wanted to live with me."
I glanced up and Avery had tears in her eyes.
"You should marry that stupid Russian."
I burst out laughing. "Too late. He’s already got a ring on his finger. Not that I could marry him now anyway."
"It won't last, Aid. Trust me, it won't. Not after everything you told me about the blackmail, Cuntja, the way—"
"Cuntja?" I asked, finding a comical flare to the sound of it.
"Yeah, Katja and cunt. Cuntja," she said like it was obvious.
A burst of laughter erupted from me and I giggled hysterically.
"Oh my god! That's the best!" I said between fits of laughter. It was the perfect name to describe his wife. Sobering up, I asked, "Do you think it's fair, though? I mean, she's probably the way she is because of me."
"You said Kova told you the issues between them started before you got here, so no. She's just a bitch because she was born with it in her blood, and because Joy also gave her the ammo to be a vindictive bitch at that."
I nodded, agreeing with her. Still, I was sure I didn't help their situation.
Avery continued. "What I was saying was, the way he is with you when it's just you guys is not the same guy you see out in the public. And who cares? What matters is how he is with you. He has to deflect right now and be a dick. I think it probably bothers him that he's banging a gymnast who is still a teen. At least, I hope it would." She laughed nervously. "Think about it. If it were you, like if you were in Kova's shoes, what would you do? Right now is the wrong time, yes, and some days he needs an attitude adjustment, but one day everything will be right in the world, and it will be for you guys too."
I smiled appreciatively at her. I loved my best friend. She sorted out my muddled thoughts.
"You never knew about any of this? About the lupus and kidneys? Xavier never told you?"
She shook her head and looked down with a sad expression on her face. I was genuinely surprised.
"No." Her voice was low. "I honestly never knew."
"Wow. I figured he would have."
"We haven't done much talking since everything happened…" she said quietly, like it hurt it to utter those words.
"But I saw you guys together on Instagram on the Fourth of July."