I thought about what I had to do and how disheartened I was feeling over the choice I had made. It made me sick. I never really had a view on abortion, not until Avery told me she had one, and now that I was faced with the same decision myself, it was proving to be much harder than I thought. I could not have a baby, but I was quickly learning I didn't like the thought of having an abortion either. I was stuck in the worst predicament of my life with no right choice. Everyone was going to get hurt because of my recklessness.
I sighed inwardly. I felt myself starting to slip into a dark hole of depression and I fought it. There was no time in my schedule to climb my way out of that dingy hole. I'd just done it a few months ago.
"It's going to be really hard, and one of the most difficult moments of your life," she said sympathetically. "You'll feel better about it once you tell him. I can sit here and crack jokes, tell you what to say, but I know firsthand how difficult it really is. The anxiety of it alone will kill you. You're going to try a few times until one day it just comes out."
I wrapped a protective arm around my stomach. "He's going to be so mad."
"I have this really weird feeling he won't be, but even if he is mad, at least you told him. You'll feel better telling him in the long run. Then you can go ahead and schedule whatever you need, and I'll be there with you when it happens."
I swallowed. "You're going to drive over and come with me?"
"Of course, you dumbass. I love you."
My phone beeped and I pulled it away to see a text message come in from Kova. My heart dropped. I knew he'd look for me.
"I gotta go, Kova is texting me."
"Just so you know, I wouldn't recommend telling him over text."
I chuckled. Right before we hung up, I said. "Believe me, I wasn't planning on it."
Coach: Where did you disappear to? I was looking for you.
I chewed my lip trying to conjure up a good lie that would suffice.
Me: I'm not feeling well. I think I'm having a flare up and just needed to go home. I'm sorry.
I held my breath and waited for him to respond. Hopefully he bought it, but I expected him not to.
Coach: Your health is more important. Get the rest you need, and if you need more time, just let me know. Can I bring you some dinner?
I quickly replied with a no thank you and threw the phone down onto my couch. Rolling over onto my side, I cried myself to sleep over the things I had no ability to change.
Fifty-Nine
I purposely went into practice late so Kova couldn't talk to me.
Well, twenty minutes late, but it was enough to aggravate him for the rest of the day.
It didn't help that I was terribly nauseous. Either from the pregnancy or because I was nervous as hell to tell Kova, I wasn't sure. All the times I'd thrown up since the last meet could really be from either one. My stomach was all sorts of messed up.
Tonight I'd tell him I was pregnant.
His eyes found mine the moment I stepped into the gym, but I quickly averted my gaze and started stretching. My first thought was that I would play my lateness off since he had said if I needed extra time to rest I could take it, but I also knew I was required to tell him in advance if I was.
"Adrianna. Three miles," he ordered with a bite then turned away from me.
My jaw plummeted to my stomach but there was nothing I could say or do since he was my coach, so I got up, went into the locker room, got my clothes and running shoes on, then went outside. I did a few stretches so I wouldn’t irritate my Achilles. It wasn't healed and it wouldn't be until I had surgery, but I would almost go as far as to say it was in remission with the pain and inflammation. No new tears thankfully, and while I hadn't needed a blading session recently, I knew Kova would want to do one before I went to Italy for the meet. It did give me a little pep in my step and Lord knew I could use that right now, and before the biggest gymnastics competition of my life.
The moment my feet hit the pavement, I forced myself to run the three miles straight without stopping. By the time I got back to World Cup, I was winded and in dire need of using the bathroom. I was all cool and collected until I noticed the toilet water was tinted pink.
My sad reality. Either it was just spotting, or I was miscarrying and I didn't know it. I padded myself with some toilet paper but there was no blood. Confused, I did it again with the same outcome when it hit me that it could actually be my kidneys causing the blood. It was a common symptom of chronic kidney disease.
Anger filled my eyes with tears but I inhaled them back and flushed the toilet. Shaking my head and fingers, I stepped out of the bathroom only to come face to face with a very annoyed Kova.
"Hey," I said, pulling back. I frowned. "Were you waiting for me?"
Kova's green eyes glared down at me and I recoiled. "Do not take advantage of my kindness, Adrianna. You will not walk all over me just because I am sympathetic to your health. If you need something, tell me, but do not show up late and assume you can do what you please without clearing it with me first."