A sob burst from my lips like a dam breaking free. I cried, and cried, and cried, letting it all out in the loneliness of my condo.
I cried for what Kova was going through.
I cried for our unborn child that was taken away from us with no choice.
I cried for Dad and what I was putting him through.
I wished I could reverse time for a split second so I could rectify this. So many "if only" moments went through my mind.
If only Kova had been wearing a shirt.
If only I hadn't answered the door.
If only I hadn't fallen in love with my coach.
If only…
I yawned. I was so, so tired.
Grabbing the closest throw pillow, I hugged it to my chest and leaned down to curl up on my side. My heart was raw for the taking and I missed Kova so much. I longed to feel his arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay. My emotions were inflicting such destruction on me that I was physically sick from them.
I didn't know how I was going to recover from this—the miscarriage and arrest—or if I ever would. I needed the comfort of someone, anyone with empathy, but I wanted it only from Kova.
My stomach warmed with cramps and a new wave of lightheadedness took over. I curled up tighter, holding myself as I cried alone for the loss of so much more than just my heart.
My eyes fluttered closed as I began to doze off, sinking into a deep, dark hole. I moved my hand to my stomach and held myself where the life we’d created used to be. That was the last thing we had together, and it was gone now…just like he was.
Fourteen
"I feel like I haven't seen you in years," Hayden said as he sidled up to me. Practice was over and I just stepped out of the locker room.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and tugged me to him, giving me a friendly little kiss on the top of my head. I leaned into him, soaking him up with half a smile. I didn't have it in me to fake it today.
Bittersweet dreams had kept me suspended ever since the conversation with my dad. Night after night, my mind had played the worst-case scenario. I’d dreamed I’d never see Kova again. I’d dreamed he regretted meeting me and our time together. I’d dreamt I wouldn't be called to stand as a gymnast for the United States women's gymnastics team.
There was nothing more or less I could do. Walking away wasn't an option, losing wasn't either. I'd have to compete without my rock so I could achieve my dream, even if it took every last breath from my body.
I would succeed.
If Kova couldn't do this with me, then I'd have to do it for him.
"It's been a minute," I said, giving Hayden an apologetic look. "Things are just a little hectic right now, you know. I barely have time to sleep." He knew how hard I’d been working in the gym and where my focus was.
"Tell me about it." He paused. "Do you think it's strange Kova hasn't been here?" Hayden eyed me, and I stood up a little straighter.
"Don’t look at me. I don’t know where he is. Maybe he has something personal going on with his wife."
"He was gone the same week you
were, and now he’s missing the Trials."
I nodded, keeping my gaze forward. "I do think it’s odd, and I wonder why he hired a new coach. But I'm in the dark. Speaking of the new coach, how do you like training with him?"
Danilo was a good excuse to switch topics. I knew exactly where Hayden was headed with that conversation, and I wasn't in the mood to hear or see his disappointment.
"He's going to be a hard ass, probably more so than Kova. I'm kind of glad I'm leaving for college soon." He laughed lightly. "Nah, he's good. Seems angry all the time though."
I laughed. "Like Kova."