A soft smile moved my lips. I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore. I was going to be open and honest with myself and accept what I couldn't change.
I looked up at the American flag and stared. I was proud of myself. I didn't feel like there was a crushing pressure on my chest anymore, or this need to improve myself all the time. There was freedom that came with this moment. I was free from the restraints of myself.
Standing underneath the gleaming lights, I felt different. Older, newer. On the mend. I felt that after today, I could take on anything my future held.
Gymnastics made me strong. It made me brave, and if I really let myself think about it, gymnastics prepared me for the next phase of my life by pushing me to fight for something I really wanted. It gave me strength.
I thought I'd be bursting with joy standing on this podium, but what I felt more than anything was a sense of relief.
I could breathe again.
As the anthem drew to an end, we raised our flowers in the air to give one final salute. I smiled as rainbow colored confetti shot from the high corners of the room and balloons fell upon us like fresh snow.
Thirty-Six
After the Team USA celebratory dinner last night, I didn't get to talk to my family for more than a few minutes before I was ushered to the village for therapy, then sent back to my room to decompress and prepare for today. I’d stuck to the same schedule of eating and meds, hoping to relive what I did yesterday.
Not even twenty-four hours later and it was a totally different sporting event.
Inhaling a deep breath, I looked down at the leotard I was allowed to design myself for this competition in preparation of making it this far. Every gymnast did. Over two thousand jade Swar
ovski crystals in several sizes were attached to the deep mahogany material in fiery flames, overlapping each other. It was a color I didn’t typically wear.
Yesterday I was decorated in stars and stripes that represented independence and freedom. It took two years for that design to mature at the imagination of Coach Elena, all for one day of glory.
But today's leotard was by far my favorite for two reasons. The base was a color that complemented my dark red hair and sun-kissed dusting of freckles on the bridge of my nose. The green was for Kova's eyes, a color most redheads just so happened to wear too.
Intertwining colors. Strength in darkness.
I smoothed my hands down the front, my palms catching the three-dimensional stones. He didn't know what I’d done, and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell him.
I glanced at Kova standing next to me. He seemed focused. Almost too focused. My eyes raked down his body. He was dressed similarly to yesterday, only this time he wore a black polo shirt with his dress pants. The shirt strained around his biceps. I moved my eyes upward and found Kova still deep in thought.
I bit my lip, then said, "Where's my pep talk?"
He didn't hear me, so I gently backhanded his arm. He jumped and glanced at me with confusion.
"What is wrong with you?" he asked.
I almost laughed because he was genuinely confused. "Did you hear what I said? Any last-minute pointers?" I paused. Now I was worried. "Are you okay?"
He stuffed his hands into his pockets and turned his body toward me. "There is nothing wrong, I am sorry. I was focused on trying to read Coach Elena's lips. There are no last-minute pointers today."
I looked over at her. She was waving frantically, trying to get his attention. I tapped him and lifted my chin in her direction. He glanced her way and nodded, then held up one finger.
"How come you're not saying anything positive today?" Kova smiled at me, and I continued, "It's almost like tradition for us. I'm trying to recreate my past meets. I’m feeling a little superstitious I guess…"
Kova chuckled. "You are as far as you could possibly go. Today is about you, your talent, and your accomplishments, and being awarded for them." He paused, then smiled and said, "But if you want me to tell you what I am thinking, I will."
My cheeks bloomed with warmth. "I do."
"Do not beat yourself up tomorrow for any mistakes today. Of course, the goal is not to make any," he said, and my lips twisted. "But try to remember that you worked really hard to get here and this competition itself is a gift. You made your dream a reality, and you took it a step further. Not many people are able to say that. That is a beautiful thing to witness."
He didn't say that to appease me, Kova spoke from his heart. If it wasn’t for his nostalgic tone, I might have thought otherwise. This was a big moment for us as coach and gymnast. He knew it, I knew it. I wouldn’t return to World Cup, and once we arrived home, he wouldn't be my coach anymore.
I was unprepared for the sadness in his eyes. I acted on impulse and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Kova reacted immediately and hugged me back just as a few flashes flickered around us. He dropped his face into the crook of my neck. His body was so warm pressed to mine. I didn't want it to end and the thought filled me with melancholy.
The bell chimed and we pulled back. The crowd bustled with excitement again and I felt it. I cleared my throat about to speak when Kova eyed me and said under his breath, "Tonight."