"What's the next excuse once the smoke clears? There's always going to be something working against us, Kova." I was disgusted with him and myself. "By the time you're ready for me, I won't be here."
"You are not in the position I am," he said through clenched teeth. "You have not a clue."
That set me off. I too was risking a lot to be with him.
"I don't have to be in your position to know it wouldn’t matter to me!" I screamed. "I'd do whatever it takes. I have been doing whatever it takes. You told me you were divorcing Katja to be with me. Here I was thinking we were still okay because what we have is so strong, but really you're over here ready to let it go because you got scared." I was winded, on the edge of exploding. I wanted to punch something, and I wasn't the violent type. Kova brought out that side of me.
"You're not that weak," I continued. "You're the strongest man I know. You're just scared. You know what? So am I. I have a hell of a lot more to be scared of than you and I'm still fighting for us." This rage building inside of me needed to be let loose. "Tell me." I stepped forward and pushed at his chest. My eyes lowered to slits. "Tell me what it was that changed your mind. At least give that to me. I know there's more, because there's always more when it comes to you, Kova!" I yelled in his face, trying to rid myself of all the hurt he continued to cause me.
Kova shoved me onto the bed. I tumbled to the side and he reached for me. He grabbed my ankle and yanked me down the bed until my legs we're hanging off. I quickly sat up as he leaned over me. I breathed into his face, panting from the unexpected action.
"I cannot stand the thought of hurting you anymore!" he shouted, his eyes wide and bright.
A vein strained along the column of his neck leading down under his shirt. Finally, Kova let go.
"I will never forget seeing you on the floor that day, the blood everywhere as your fucking eyes closed shut. I thought I lost you, and I vowed to myself that I would never hurt you like that again."
He shook his head like he was reliving the moment. He looked terrified. Kova stepped away and paced the floor, but he kept his gaze on me. His aggression ate up the space between us.
"Your life means too much to me for that. I sat in jail, overanalyzing everything, realizing how much negativity I brought to your world. I decided it was best to put distance between us, except when I saw you again, I knew there was no way. Just like right now, I cannot handle the thought of not being with you everywhere you go."
I blinked and he was inches from me. Kova lowered his face and dragged the tip of his nose over my cheek until his lips hovered above mine. I found myself leaning into him, hoping he'd kiss me.
"I would give everything up for you because you are mine and I am yours and that is all that matters. We will always be each other's. No one can change that."
I leaned in closer and Kova sucked in a breath. He stepped back but I reached out swiftly and clenched the center of his shirt. I yanked him toward me and we fell back onto the bed with my legs tangled with his. I held my breath praying he wouldn't move.
He cupped my cheek and my jaw in his palms. There was a sudden tenderness in his touch. Kova looked at me. "I hate that I hurt you, and I hate that you miscarried our child. It sickens me. I hate that your father will always be between us. He will not accept us, and you cannot decide between the two of us either. A good man would have never put you in this position. I try to do the right thing, but all it ever does is backfire. You get angry and try to inflict pain on me. I bite back because I like when you push me and fight me. But this is too much for one couple."
Beads of sweat pebbled his forehead. Kova was breathing heavily, and I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I leaned up on one elbow and Kova stayed where he was on me. I took pleasure in the weight of his body on mine.
"I am better off alone." Kova lowered his voice; his distraught eyes searched mine. "And so are you. But that can never be now, can it?"
My lips parted as his words slammed into me. I let out a small whimper then flattened my lips between my teeth.
Kova stood up and reached for me, but I moved out of the way and got off the bed myself.
"Ria—"
"I'm leaving." I walked around him, but Kova was quick.
He grabbed me, his fingers pressing into my skin. I wrestled him and felt this burst of angry energy explode through me. Kova was so much stronger than I was, and I took satisfaction in the knowledge I could use as much strength as I wanted and I wouldn't hurt him. Not unless I had a knife, which I didn't.
Kova grabbed my wrists and tried to pin them behind m
y back. When that failed, he spun me around so my back was pressed to his chest and he had both of my arms crisscrossed in front of me. I tried to squirm away, but he held me secured. I wished I didn't like how he held me to him.
"Let go of me."
Kova ignored me. I was no match for his strength, but still, I tried.
"Let go, Kova."
A grunt escaped my throat as the frustration mounted inside of me.
"If you don’t want to be with me now, you can't have any of me later." My heart broke saying those words. "Let. Go."
Kova held me tighter. I found it therapeutic trying to fight him. It released something inside of me. My head fell back against his chest and I let out a little whimper. His face dipped down and his nose brushed my neck. His warm body enveloped me, and I stupidly relished in it. Tears filled my eyes and my body relaxed enough so Kova could let go of my wrists and bring his arms up to hug me. He embraced me with warmth and love.