Dad carried the empty containers and plates to the kitchen. I was kind of happy that he suggested I hang out with her. Sophia came into my life at the worst time, and I've been wanting to thank her for everything she's done to help me.
We both took a place on the love seat on my patio. Sophia angled her body toward me and brought her knee up.
"How do you feel about the move? College? Are you getting excited?"
I nodded and shrugged at the same time. "A little bit. I think I'm starting to be okay with it…with things."
Sophia's eyes softened with compassion. She knew I wasn't just talking about going to college.
"Whatever is meant to be will always find its way," she said like she was so sure. "You'll see. I know what you're about to do seems scary, but I think you're going to discover just how strong you are."
My voice was small. "I don't feel strong. I feel really weak." I swallowed and opened up a little. "I'm scared."
Her eyes were empathetic. "Francesca used to tell me the same thing. She had a fighter's heart and I envied that about her. I didn't have the same ambition as her, obviously."
I felt bad that she viewed herself as someone weak. To give up a child because she knew she couldn't give it a proper home is not something a weak person did; however, I understood her sorrow completely.
Sophia continued, her brows smoothing out as she thought about Francesca. "She'd say she didn't know who she was or what her purpose was in life anymore. She was physically weak all the time, said her head was foggy a lot. She forgot things so easily, or couldn't focus on one task long enough to finish it. She was much sicker than you, though. Much sicker." She paused, staring off like she was stuck in the past. "It's going to take time adjusting to this new lifestyle of yours." Sophia rolled her lip over her bottom teeth and worried it a bit before returning her gaze to me. "I didn't mean to ramble and tell you a morbid story about my sister."
I shook my head, letting her know I appreciated it. "It's totally okay. I'd rather know what to expect, even if it is kind of sucky." She gave me a
small smile, and I reassured her once more. "Tell me whatever you think is helpful. I know Francesca and I have different illnesses, but they're still similar in many ways. At least I won't be going crazy over the side effects."
Sophia nodded her head, her tender doe eyes expressing her feelings. I studied her. She appeared apprehensive about something. I decided I would start a conversation and open up a little more to her. She was trying…and so was I.
I licked my lips nervously. I wanted to tell her how I was really feeling inside. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling was normal and that I was supposed to go through these motions. A part of me hoped she had sound advice to give.
"I’ve had a lot time to think since I got home. I should've gotten up and gone about my usual day. I should've started packing and preparing to move. I should've had deep tissue massages post training so I didn't lock up. Instead, I let myself go. I couldn't do anything because all I did was think about him." I eyed her to see how she'd respond to mentioning Kova in the way I did. "Every day, all day, my thoughts have revolved around him. I wasn't even awake long and I still managed to think about him the majority of the time. I even dreamed about him. The strange thing is, he would be so angry to know I wasn't taking care of myself, that I'd gotten weaker. He wouldn't have wanted me to feel the way I have been." I sighed heavily. Saying these things aloud was vastly different than thinking about them. It made me reflect on myself. "I normally never succumb to these feelings, but I've been having a really hard time lately. All I do is lie in bed." I blinked rapidly, feeling the tears climb my eyes. "As the days passed into weeks, I realized that the reason I was sick was because of me."
Sophia had tears brimming on her eyelids. She didn’t respond just yet, and I had more to get off my chest.
"I wasn't trying to make myself sick, I just missed him so damn much that I couldn't do anything else. How did you do it? How did you get over my dad if you loved him so much? How did you not think about giving me up? How do you wake up and not allow yourself to think about it?"
Sophia angled her head to the side. Her eyes were guarded. "I never got over him, and I never stopped thinking about you. Why do you think I'm here?" She smiled softly. Now I felt bad for asking her that. "You don't have to stop thinking about him, but you can't wallow in your feelings the way you have been either. That's not healthy. You have to pick yourself up and heal, and the only way you can do that is by learning to love yourself first. After that, you take each day one at a time."
I shook my head, not understanding how it could be so easy. "One second I know I need to leave and the next I want to stay. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm scared of the unknown. How did you leave the person you loved?"
She shrugged one shoulder and shook her head slowly. She wasn't even sure herself. "It's easy to fall in love when it's not the right time. Walking away is another story."
I let out a breathy laugh and glanced down. "It sucks when it's the first time."
Fuck. I hated heartbreak.
"Your time may never come, or maybe the stars will align when you least expect it and it'll happen. It took me too long to see that I had to do what was right for me to be happy and healthy in order to attempt a life with him or you again one day. I think you already know what you have to do, Adrianna."
I glanced away, my jaw was trembling. "Then why do I feel like this? I'm so torn. If I think it's right, then I'm wrong. My gut is just making me sick."
She blinked and her eyes lifted to mine. "You feel doubt."
"Yes," I said immediately. I was totally doubtful, and it was wrecking me inside.
Sophia shook her head. "You're not doubtful, you're emotional. You shouldn't doubt your decision, but you should be emotional over it."
Tears fell from the corners of my eyes. She was right. I twisted my fingers together.
"That feeling you have deep inside of you? Go with it. Trust it. It's okay to be emotional, even upset."
"I feel like I have two gut feelings." I laughed but I was being serious.