“I know it. I forgave your ma a long time ago. How can I stay mad when she gave you and Dylan to me? The one thing I don’t want you to be is sad. Whatever it is, I want you to be happy. The last person who will stop you from doing what you want is me. Go for it. Go for whatever it is. Dylan and I will survive. I know you’re worried about the shop. What will happen will happen. Are you worried about taking this other job? You know Charity likes to help us out. She’ll fill in when you’re away. And if she can’t, you know we boys can manage. Don’t worry too much. Be a kid, be a grown-up, be a woman, but most of all, be you. Just be you. Whatever it is that you want, that’s what I want you to be.”
I was so exhausted by the time Dad and I got home. Dylan had cooked potatoes, chicken, and rice, but I was barely awake. I skipped dinner and showered, brushed my teeth, and went straight to bed. Before I closed my eyes, I couldn’t resist grabbing my phone. I checked my messages. I had messages from Tala and Thomas.
But none from Cameron.
I just felt numb and so worn-out.
Thomas: My patient just offered me a thousand dollars to go on a date with her.
I sent him a reply and closed my eyes.
I didn’t pick up Cameron the next morning. The lack of texts from him told me a lot and, at the same time, told me nothing. When I passed by the lecture halls at school, he wasn’t there.
When my supervisor at the nursing home phoned that night, I took the shift they needed covered without hesitation. I had work at The Yard the next day, but the shift at the nursing home was only for four hours tonight, and I could come home after that and nap for five hours, then attend my morning classes before driving to The Yard. It would work out. It always did.
The next day came and I convinced myself to feel excited, to see that the day was sunnier and that everything would be okay. It was my official first day at The Yard. I went to my morning classes, hoping that I’d see Tala this time, but she texted and said she still couldn’t make it to campus today. I wanted to phone her and find out what was going on, but she said she would be out all day and would let me know soon what was going on.
I told myself to not look for Cameron, but I did anyway. Like Thomas said, accept that the feelings I had for him were real and it would take time, but I’d get over him eventually. I had to believe that I would.
My phone vibrated.
Thomas: Break a leg on your first day!
I texted him a quick thanks and drove to work. We’d sat together in church and had gone out for coffee after with Tala. He’d been a good friend and I was thankful, especially right now. I’d sensed a loneliness in him behind his easygoing smiles. Maybe that was why I allowed him in my circle. I was drawn to people masking their loneliness with laughter. Maybe because I was like that too.
The Yard was noticeably less busy when I pulled up to the office. Employees had a designated parking space at the back of the building, which I was grateful for. I imagined myself getting out of my car just as an eighteen-wheeler came barreling through and making me a splatter in the dirt. Or food for the birds. Yummy.
Deb was less busy this time. She introduced me to everyone in the office and showed me where everything was. When we entered the storage room where Cameron took me to get my hard hat, I felt sad all of a sudden.
I hadn’t seen him or heard from him since that scene in the parking lot. It was only two nights before, but it seemed longer. Sooner or later, I knew I’d see him at The Yard. Or maybe not. Maybe he’d pull another disappearing act. He should join the circus. Then maybe he could disappear forever in one of those disappearing magic tricks.
You miss him.
Was there any point denying it? It wasn’t going to work out anyway. I needed more than what he could give me, and I didn’t want to force him to give more than what he was ready to give because he might resent me eventually.
And I didn’t want to stay with him when he couldn’t trust me because I might resent him eventually.
My heart ached thinking about him. I was tired of thinking about him.
“You did horrible on your first day,” Deb said in a sarcastic tone, patting my back. There was a playful smile on her face. “Make sure you come back on your shift this weekend, you hear? I won’t accept anyone else to take my place.”
I laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
It was almost the end of my first day. It had been fantastic. I really liked Deb. She was a sharp lady, with a dry humor that I appreciated. She had to leave fifteen minutes early today to see her doctor. Her husband was already waiting for her outside.
“You catch on quickly. I like that. So, listen, it’s up to you if you want to stay and file or you can leave now. Just make sure you clock out. I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Bright and early,” I said. “Thanks a lot, Deb.”
She stroked her stomach, pushed up from her chair with a groan. Grabbing her purse, she waved goodbye to everyone who was left at the office. There was only me and Jerika manning the desks, and two other guys in the conference room. I watched Deb as she waddled out of the office with that adorable pregnant-lady walk.
She opened the front door, and just before it closed someone stepped inside.
Cameron’s eyes met mine.
He held my gaze captive. One thought after another raced through my mind in the three seconds that we looked at each other.
One second.