This should be easy. Why am I making it so difficult? How is a guy like Ian still single anyway? He can’t be as perfect as he seems. Nobody is…
My first real exposure to love was watching it unravel when my parents got divorced. I was just getting to the point in my life where I started to understand that there was more to it than having a crush on a boy, I thought was cute. My perspective was tainted by the divorce that shattered my youth. I learned to look for faults in everyone instead of trying to see their good qualities. I was still doing that—but I couldn’t see Ian’s faults because he was on the other side of the screen that separated us.
I could change that, but what if he really is as genuine as he seems?
I spent the day tending to things around my apartment while occasionally returning to stare at my blank screen. I tried to convince myself that I just needed to go into the office and focus on work, but I couldn’t find the energy to do it. I wanted to finish the list and put it behind me. I didn’t have to go into the office, so it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. I typed a few things—then deleted them. I thrive on excuses, but I felt like Ian deserved more than that. He was respectful when I asked him to steer the conversation away from a topic, and I thought he would do the same if I really pushed him to back off—but I couldn’t convince myself that it was what I truly wanted.
A part of me was curious, and as the day dragged on, the curiosity began to win the war that was going on inside my head. Getting past that wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to require me to step outside my comfort zone—but I knew what I had to do.
Elly: Hey…
Ian: Good afternoon :)
Elly: I promised you a list.
Ian: You did.
Elly: I don’t have one.
Ian: So… you’re going to click the accept button?
Elly: No. I’m not ready for that…
Ian: What’s holding you back?
Elly: I don’t think that’s a conversation we can have through this app.
Ian: Do you want to call me?
Elly: No…
Ian: What then?
Elly: Would you be willing to meet me for a drink tonight? Is that against the rules of this whole Secret Santa Romance thing?
Ian: We’re supposed to exchange gifts when we meet for the first time, but that requires you to hit the accept button.
Elly: Oh…
Ian: I suppose it wouldn’t be that bad to bend the rules a little bit. How about more than a drink? Dinner?
Elly: I guess that would be okay. Where?
Ian: Can I pick you up?
Elly: No, I’d rather meet you there.
Ian and I agreed to meet at Minetta, an upscale restaurant that was a thirty-minute drive from my apartment—probably an hour with the holiday traffic. I had never been there before, but he said it had a quiet atmosphere, and he was friends with the owner, so last minute reservations wouldn’t be an issue. It was going to be an early dinner, but I didn’t mind. I was so nervous about the list I was trying to make that I didn’t eat much for lunch.
I told myself it wasn’t a date—we were just meeting to talk. I kept telling myself that as I pulled my favorite black dress out of the closet and stressed over my options for shoes. It certainly felt like I was getting ready for a date, even though I hadn’t actually been on one in a couple of years.
It’s just going to be easier to talk to Ian in person. That’s the only reason I want to meet him—if I keep saying that, I might start to believe it.
The reality was that I didn’t have a good reason to push Ian away. He hadn’t given me one. He gave me so many reasons to do the exact opposite, and I needed to know if it was too good to be true. I couldn’t keep having conversations with him over the app and allowing my interest to grow without knowing what he was really like. All I needed to see was a flaw—a warning sign that would give me a reason instead of an excuse.
If I can’t get that over the app, I’ll get it in person…
I decided that I wasn’t in the mood to fight my way through the holiday traffic, so I requested an Uber to take me to Minetta. That would also allow me to have a drink without feeling like I had to stick around long enough for the alcohol to wear off if Ian’s flaws became evident before we even made it through dinner. I could do that without leading him on, and I wouldn’t have to go through the whole Secret Santa ordeal. It was best to just speed things through to their natural conclusion rather than allowing myself to keep getting tangled up in the what-if.