“Why don’t you wait downstairs with everyone else?” He tilted his head.
“You won’t be upset?” I exhaled sharply and looked up at him.
“No, not at all.” He pulled me close and gave me a hug.
I watched as Ian walked back to the group, and then I started to make my way to the elevators. I already felt like I was going to break down, just hearing what Samantha said. Actually going to the floor and handing out gifts felt like more than I could handle. I stood in front of the elevator after I hit the button and looked back at Ian. He was beyond amazing. There was so much love in his heart, and if I could just claim a tiny bit of it for myself, then I would be the luckiest woman in the world. A man like that needed a woman that
deserved his love—and a woman strong enough to put a smile on her face when the worst thing in the world was staring her in the face.
I can’t leave. I don’t care if he said it would be okay. If he can do this, then I can do it too, no matter how difficult it is.
“You’re back?” Ian looked at me in confusion when I walked over to the group.
“Yeah.” I reached down and picked up one of the sacks. “We’ve got more presents to hand out, don’t we?”
“We do.” He smiled and hugged me. “Thank you.”
I would do anything for you, and that’s scary considering how long we’ve known each other—but it just feels right.
Handing out presents to the children on the last floor was rough. My heart broke so many times I was surprised that I had any pieces that could shatter before we handed out the last gift. Somehow, despite feeling like my entire world meant nothing compared to what they were going through, I managed to keep a smile on my face while I put presents in their hands. They were adorable—and in such good spirits considering the circumstance that put them in those hospital beds. They were so excited to see Santa Claus. The delight on their faces and the joy in their eyes reminded me of a little girl that I used to know—a little girl that stopped existing the day her parents split up.
Oh my god, I’ve been so selfish…
“Are you okay?” Ian walked up behind me as I took a moment to compose myself after we visited the last room.
“Yeah.” I felt tears welling up in my eyes. “I just need a minute.”
“It’s hard for me too.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “I usually need a stiff drink and a little time to myself after I come here.”
“I may need that too.” I felt a sob in my throat, and I turned to face him.
“I’d love to spend that time with you instead of being alone.” He pulled me into a tight embrace. “If that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” I nodded quickly and looked up at him. “Can we still have that stiff drink?”
“I think that’s a given.” He sighed and hugged me.
We went back downstairs, and Ian changed out of his Santa suit. I followed him, but my thoughts were a million miles away. I was thinking about the life I lived as the little girl that felt like she didn’t have a world worth living in anymore after her parents divorced. I was thinking about both my parents remarrying and not feeling like I fit into their new lives.
That might have been tough for me, but I allowed it to damage my perception of everything. I let it consume me, and the little girl grew up into a selfish woman that didn’t know how to let go. I lost my smile. The kids in the hospital didn’t. They had every reason to forget how to smile, but they lit up every room we walked into. The things they had learned to deal with at a young age made my problems look like grains of sand next to boulders.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ian walked up to me once he was finished changing.
“I’m just thinking about things...” I sighed and shook my head.
“I do that too.” He took my hand. “A drink will help.”
I definitely needed a drink, and a glass of wine wasn’t going to do it. I needed something a lot stronger than that. I didn’t think it would do more than just take the edge off my emotions, but that was better than what was going on in my head. We walked to the car, and after we got on the road, I realized that Ian wasn’t driving me home. After we passed a couple of bars, it was clear that he wasn’t just looking for the closest place to get a drink.
“Where are we going?” I looked over at Ian.
“My place.” He glanced over at me. “I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “That’s fine.”
I would have probably been more impressed when I first saw Ian’s house if I hadn’t been so overcome with emotions when he pulled into the driveway. It was definitely a mansion by most standards—maybe even an estate. He led me inside, and the first thing I noticed was that there were a lot of Christmas decorations. He had a wreath on the door, a tree in the living room, and lights in every window. Living alone didn’t stop him from decorating. We walked into the living room, and he poured two glasses of whiskey. I practically downed my entire glass with one gulp—which nearly made me choke. It seemed like a good idea until I felt it burn all the way down. It had been a really long time since I had anything stronger than wine.
“Take it easy.” Ian refilled my glass. “It’s better to sip this.”