Club Endless Fantasy

“Sorry.” I lifted the glass to my lips and shuddered. “I think I needed that though.”

“I’m proud of you.” Ian took a sip of his whiskey, put it down, and then pulled me into a tight embrace. “I really didn’t think you would want to hand out gifts on the last floor. I wouldn’t have been upset at all if you decided to wait in the lobby.”

“I’m glad I did it.” I looked up at him. “It has given me a lot to think about.”

“My first trip to the hospital is what helped me finally realize that I should savor every second of the life I had, even if Abigail wasn’t in it.” Ian exhaled sharply. “There are a lot of people in the world that are less fortunate than we are.”

“I never really thought about it. I was too selfish…” I took another sip of my drink.

“No, you weren’t selfish. Your perception of the world is shaped by what you allow yourself to see.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “It’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to mourn, but eventually you have to let all of that go. There’s a thin line between happiness and despair, but you can still walk on it.”

Ian was right. I had lost sight of the thin line because I was perfectly fine with misery. It was the only thing I knew, so it felt comfortable. My parents might have been the ones that introduced me to it, but that didn’t mean I had to stay there forever. I had a life that was begging to be lived, no matter how many times I allowed myself to believe things were as bad as they could possibly be. It was time for me to say goodbye to the little girl I used to be and find out who I really wanted to be when I grew up—because I didn’t like the selfish person I had become. I had felt that shell I built around my soul cracking ever since I met Ian, but it was time for it to shatter.

“Do you have plans this weekend?” I sat down next to Ian on the couch and took a sip of my whiskey.

“I was kind of hoping someone would want to go on a date or something.” He shrugged. “Otherwise, I’ll be here—wondering why she didn’t want to spend time with me.”

“I definitely want to spend time with you.” I felt a hint of a smile forming on the edge of my lips. “But I need your help with something.”

“Sure.” He nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

“I need help decorating my apartment.” I moved closer to him. “It’s almost Christmas, and I don’t even have a tree.”

“I could certainly help you with that.” He put an arm around me. “Do you even have any ornaments to decorate it with?”

“No.” I shook my head back and forth. “I might need some help with that too…”

“Then it sounds like we have a busy weekend ahead of us.” He pressed his lips to my forehead.

Yeah. It’s time for me to open my eyes to what I should have been seeing my entire life.

We sipped our whiskey and talked for almost an hour before I started to feel like my entire world hadn’t been shattered. My heart grew three sizes too big just in time for it to be filled with harsh truths I had been too stubborn and selfish to admit. Ian didn’t just help me let go of my concerns about being in a relationship with someone; he also showed me that there were plenty of reasons for me to be grateful. That was what the holiday season was really about—using the gratefulness inside myself to make someone else’s world just a little bit brighter. Maybe I didn’t have the perfect family, but that didn’t mean I had to live my life based on their mistakes. I was in charge of my own destiny, whether it was something as simple as putting up a Christmas tree in my apartment or falling in love with the man who opened my eyes.

“It’s getting late…” I looked at my glass and sighed. “We both need to go to bed.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I can drive you home—or you can stay. I’d really like it if you did. What do you think?”

“I don’t know if I’m in the right place emotionally for that.” I grimaced and looked at him. “I do care about you—and I know we are going to have lots of nights together eventually…”

“That’s not what I meant.” He shook his head back and forth. “I would just really like to have you in my arms tonight—and wake up with you. I’m not asking for anything else.”

“I would like that too…” I looked down and nodded.

The safety of Ian’s arms sounded a lot better than spending the night alone, and he needed it too. We were both emotionally fragile after handing out presents. Ian led me to his bedroom, and I crawled into bed next to him. We shared a couple of tender kisses before the lights went out, and then he pulled me into a tight embrace. The rest of the world could fade away as long as we had each other. I was going to be waking up with fresh eyes and a new perspective for life. Beginning that in Ian’s arms was perfect. It was where I wanted to be and where I needed to be—it felt like I belonged there.

I’ve found the pieces of myself that has been missing—I just didn’t realize how many pieces needed to be reclaimed.

We woke up early the next day. Ian made me breakfast, and our desires nearly took over once we were done with our meal. The only thing that truly held us back was the fact that we both had to go to work. I didn’t want to let go of him when he dropped me off at my apartment, but I finally did—just in time to make the norm

al mad dash to get ready to go to the office. I took a shower, got dressed, and put on my makeup in record time. The only thing missing was a cup of coffee, so I delayed my departure by a few minutes so I could make one in my Keurig. I always got to the office earlier than anyone else. I had plenty of time that I could spare, but I never took advantage of it.

The world felt different when I stepped outside. The snow on the ground looked like heavenly beauty instead of a sign that Christmas was on the horizon. The lights that were still on had a vibrancy that I hadn’t noticed since I was a child. I felt like I was finally a part of the holiday season instead of looking at it with bitterness. I didn’t even get upset when I got stopped at several red lights on the way to work. Christmas had a new meaning—life had a new meaning—and I couldn’t wait to share both of those with Ian.

Is it too soon to think that far into the future with Ian? I don’t think it is…

“Good morning, Mary.” I looked up from my computer when she walked past my desk.

“Good—morning.” She paused for a moment and gave me a side-eyed glance.