“I was afraid you were going to say that.” Angelina sighed and finished her first drink, immediately looking for our waiter. “I usually warn people about the emptiness when they’re hesitant to embark on the journey they’re meant to walk. Sometimes it’s years before it comes, and most people just fight it because they’re already with someone they’re not meant to be with.”
“Which is why the original Soulmate app blocked people who were married or in some kind of committed relationship.” I nodded in understanding.
“Exactly. Regardless of what connections exist, it’s not fair to ruin lives because people made the wrong choice along the way. They have to figure that out for themselves, and if they don’t, then they have to find solace in what they have.” The waiter brought over another gin and tonic, which Angelina immediately started to drink.
The waiter came over to take our order, and although my stomach had soured completely, I still ordered something so I wouldn’t starve. Angelina’s frazzled demeanor was strange to me. I had never seen her without an ounce of confidence. There was a part of me that just wanted to forget the fourth guy, enjoy what I had, and see what kind of future I could build. Still, the lingering emptiness would always be there. If I didn’t know who he was, I could ignore it—maybe. Erik, Olsen and Joaquin were amazing. They were my wildest fantasy brought to life, and they taught me to enjoy things I never dreamed were possible. That should have been enough. There was no need to be greedy. As much as I wanted to finish our food and leave without ever hearing the fourth man’s name, I still found myself pushing for more answers. Angelina didn’t have the answers I needed, which meant I would have to figure them out on my own.
“Okay.” I reached for my wine and sipped it in hesitation, waiting to see if it turned my stomach before I tried a bite of food. “You’re going to have to tell me who he is.”
“I know.” Angelina sighed and nodded in apprehension. “I just don’t want you to feel obligated to pursue him.”
“I’ll proceed with caution, but if I don’t know who he is, I’ll always wonder.” I picked up my fork and stared at my food.
“His name is Irwin Stokes. He works at Viking Development.” Angelina tensed up as soon as she said his name.
Irwin? The Senior Purchasing Agent? Wait—what?
“You—you have to be kidding me.” I blinked in surprise. “He’s just some lonely guy who works too hard. I couldn’t even get him to stop working long enough to eat something besides junk food from the vending machine.”
“He’s more than that, trust me.” Angelina stabbed at her food aimlessly as she spoke. “Everyone has secrets. Secrets are fine. Sometimes that’s a big part of finding the right person. People are afraid to admit what turns them on, wouldn’t want anyone to see the browser history on their computer, and keep that part of themselves guarded. He’s just—he’s nothing.”
“He can’t be nothing.” I shook my head in disagreement. “He was married, so obviously he liked someone enough to pursue a relationship.”
“Not quite.” Angelina put down her fork without taking a bite and reached for her drink. “It was not a typical marriage. His ex-wife was someone he literally picked out of a catalog.”
“What do you mean?” I raised my eyebrows and blinked in confusion.
“His ex-wife was a mail order bride.” Angelina nodded and sighed. “She came here from Russia and they got married the day she stepped off the plane.”
“Holy shit.” I felt my confusion grow. “People around the office thought they were in love. He had a lot of pictures on his desk—they looked happy.”
“Maybe they were, but it didn’t last, obviously. She filed for divorce, took half of everything he had, and moved back home. I even tried to get in touch with her, but she hung up on me.” Angelina sipped her drink and put the glass down. “Irwin doesn’t look at porn, he’s never joined an online dating site, hell—he doesn’t even have Facebook. People that knew him in high school barely even remember his name.”
“Sounds like me.” I smirked, despite the looming uncertainty. “Although I do have a Facebook account.”
“Yes, most people leave some sort of digital footprint, even if they don’t realize it. That’s how Soulmate gathers data. With the limited information we have about Irwin, it doesn’t make sense for him to even match with you.” Angelina’s jaw tensed. “I don’t like the uncertainty.”
“I get that, but Irwin doesn’t seem like a bad person. I’ve interacted with him a little bit at the office. When he told me about his divorce, I heard emotion—maybe she was a mail order bride, but I still think he cared about her.” I nodded and took my first bite of food, feeling a little apprehension lift now as I recalled what I knew about Irwin.
“You need to be careful.” Angelina nodded. “If you were any other client, I would have just told you there was a mistake and you didn’t have a fourth match after all.”
“I will, but I think… it might make sense? Irwin is part of why I finally agreed to let you introduce me to the others. He gave me good advice about not wasting time and making sure I didn’t miss out on what truly mattered. I believe he feels that way about his own life. If we’re meant to have something, then maybe he needs me more than I need him.” I nodded and continued to process what Angelina told me.
“I hope that’s the case. I really do.” Angelina forced a smile.
We changed the subject and talked about her plans for Club Endless Fantasy while we finished our meal. I understood Angelina’s doubt. She had a lot of the same control issues I had. Things had to be perfect. If it didn’t fit into a box, she didn’t want to risk figuring out a way to make it work. I had experienced the beauty of losing control—giving in completely and blindly trusting the outcome. It was part of the reason what I had with Erik, Olsen and Joaquin was so special. I was going to have to do that again if I wanted to figure out why I was matched with Irwin. He was a complete mystery to the people around the office. Some even thought he was awkward and shy. I wondered what was beneath that exterior—what really made him tick. I wasn’t sure how I was going to find out, though. I couldn’t even get him to eat dinner with me as a friend.
Now I have to figure out a way to take it a lot further than dinner.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Irwin
The American dream wasn’t supposed to be so damn complicated. I was raised to believe that the pieces would fall into place if you worked hard and put food on the table. My family wasn’t well off, but we weren’t poor. My father worked in an office and my mother stayed at home to take care of me. I was homeschooled until I was in high school and the curriculum got too complex for my mother to teach. Going from only seeing my parents and a few neighborhood kids every day to being thrust into the middle of the high school hierarchy was a major adjustment. I didn’t exactly have any peers. I tried to make friends, but I didn’t have enough life experience to fit in with any of the cliques. I became sort of an outcast, a perpetual loner that watched everyone else live their lives as a silent observer.
College was another brutal example of my social awkwardness. I didn’t have the stigma of high school hanging over my head, and I tried to be more outgoing, but it just wasn’t my nature. I dated a couple of girls, but when they wanted to take the relationship to the next level, I froze. I had no idea what to do. As the years went by, I pulled into my shell and just focused on the next chapter of my life. After all, I was taught to believe things would work out in the end. Finding work without a great resume was a challenge, but I eventually found a company called Viking Developments that was willing to hire me. It was the kind of place I dreamed about where hard work and dedication was rewarded. It only made sense to give them one hundred percent, and when that wasn’t enough, I just pushed my limits.
It was a lonely life. I went to work, came home, fed my cat, and slept until it was time to do it all over again. I tried dating, but it was even worse than college. The few women I was honest with about my lack of experience were turned off immediately. I finally gave in to my loneliness and conjured enough bravery to drive through the seedier parts of Chicago, searching for a prostitute. Helena was gentle, kind, and took my virginity without being horrified to find out I had never been with a woman before. I became a regular customer and while I knew she had other clients, I always felt like I was the only one when we were together. It was more than sex. We ate dinner together, watched movies, cuddled on the couch, and did everything a normal couple would do—as long as I was paying her hourly rate.