“Are you not able to forgive me?” I tilted my head slightly. “Please tell me I didn’t screw this up that badly.”
“I need a little time to think.” She exhaled sharply. “I don’t hold grudges—that isn’t the kind of person I am. I care about you, but I’m worried that we’ve made so many lines between us that we can’t keep them straight anymore. I don’t want there to be any lines—I don’t want the thought of a video of us together to freak you out so much that you put your hand through a television monitor…”
“I was worried about you—and how your family would react…” I blinked a couple of times as the realization hit me. “But you don’t care about that.”
“No.” She shook her head back and forth. “I really don’t. My mother was barely there for me. She did the bare minimum, which—was okay. I understood why, but she doesn’t have the right to judge me for who I fall in love with. I never cared that you were my father’s best friend or that you were an older man than me. I knew what I wanted the moment I saw you—I just didn’t realize exactly how bad I would end up wanting you, or what kind of things you would introduce me to.”
“You liked being a brat too—sometimes.” I felt a lot of emotions churning inside me, but I struggled to control them.
“I did and that won’t change, but these lines—you’re my Daddy when I’m bad, you want me when I’m in your arms…” She was struggling over her words. “That’s why you snapped at me like I was some kind of little girl, but I didn’t handle the situation like a child. A little girl would have come to her Daddy and begged you to fix it. I fixed it myself.”
“You’re right.” I nodded. “You did. My reaction was the wrong one.”
“Yes.” She sighed. “It was.”
Chrissy walked to the stairs and headed up to her room. All I could do was watch her walk away. I had been a fool. I kept trying to find a line when there didn’t need to be one. She knew what she needed, and I could have provided that whether I was her Daddy or her lover. I fell too far on the side of the former and it might have cost me my chance to be the latter. I poured myself a drink and sat down on the couch. I wasn’t sure where we would be when the smoke cleared, but there was no way we would ever be the way we were. She needed the accountability, consequences with discipline—that hadn’t changed—but she also needed someone to love her the way she needed to be loved. I needed to be able to offer passion as well as guidance with no line between us.
I hope I get a chance to prove that I can.
17
Chrissy
I wasn’t ready to lock Greyson out of my heart, but I needed
time to think about our future. I thought about it a lot after I got back from his office, and the time that passed didn’t make it any easier. I lusted after him before I felt the connection, and I fought to keep him when I realized I could call him Daddy. I was still a girl that needed a Daddy—still a girl that wanted to be a brat sometimes if the need arose—but I couldn’t build the rest of my life on that kinky desire. I needed a man that could be proud of me and look at me as more than a bad girl that needed to be punished, but it wasn’t all I needed. Greyson opened my eyes to that, yet when I was ready to be the woman standing in front of him—I was still a bad girl who screwed up and needed to be sent home to wait on her Daddy.
I’m not sure what will hurt worse—being apart from him or being with him knowing that he’ll never look at me the way that I need him to.
Meghan’s blackmail attempt might have been a blessing in disguise. It allowed me to really see myself through Greyson’s eyes for the first time. It was fun and games before that. I teased him and got my punishment when I deserved it—but, I still thought it was just that—fun and games. I didn’t think it defined the entirety of our budding romance—the one I was ready to cave into entirely—the one that I believed was turning into love. The foundation was unstable from the beginning. Greyson was consumed with hesitation—I was consumed with fighting against it. The roles had been reversed.
The brat inside me—that bad girl I promised to eradicate when I got to college—was no longer the driving force behind my actions. It was something I could tap into when I wanted, but maturity had replaced her. Greyson helped me do that, but it seemed that we were against the glass ceiling of our relationship. I didn’t know how to break it. Greyson didn’t have the strength to do it. All we could do was stare at each other through the glass and admit the truth—it was there for a reason.
I don’t regret anything, but this is where we are.
The next day
I didn’t leave my room until Greyson was in bed the previous night. I ate—even though my stomach was in a knot, but that wasn’t the real reason I went downstairs. There was a part of me that hoped I would see a letter in the middle of the table—one that echoed the goodbye I felt was inevitable. It wasn’t there. I returned to my room and fell asleep after some tossing and turning. I didn’t cry. The girl that needed her Daddy might have, but I had moved past the tears. Greyson was already gone when I woke up the next morning. Once again, there was no letter—but I didn’t really expect one after not seeing one the previous night. I got ready, gathered my things, and headed to school. I still had a lot on my mind, but I didn’t want to miss another day and end up further behind.
“Hi, good morning.” I walked into the Registrar’s Office at USC and leaned against the desk.
“Hello.” A thin guy with glasses looked up at me. “How can I help you?”
“I need to set up an appointment with my adviser to discuss my scholarship. Can I do that here?” I tilted my head slightly.
“Yeah, or you can email them.” He turned towards his computer. “What’s your name?”
“Chr—Christina.” I nodded. “Christina Smith. I also want to talk about some work-study options…”
I had been Chrissy since I was a little girl, but it was time to leave that in the past like so many other things. It was a childish name—a name for a brat. I wouldn’t be able to put that on a business card if I wanted someone to take me seriously. Chrissy grew up idolizing her father and wanting to follow in his footsteps. She was a bad girl that liked to tell lies and get out of trouble—she got off on it in a way. Christina was forging her own path. I didn’t need to follow in my father’s footsteps because they didn’t fit my feet. I wanted to veer towards my own dreams—with new footsteps on an unbeaten path. Sports Management was a part of that past too. Event Marketing was going to be my future, but I would promote things I enjoyed.
Later that day
Greyson wasn’t home when I arrived. I was dreading the moment, because I felt like it was going to be awkward. I didn’t want to hide in my room. I had been home for about an hour when there was a knock at the door. I don’t know why I expected it to be Meghan—maybe because she was the only one who had knocked since I had been there unless we were expecting someone. She wasn’t at school, so I wondered if she was planning some sort of revenge. Those were the thoughts running through my head until I peeked through the peephole and saw John on the other side.
“Hey…” I opened the door. “I didn’t call for a ride.”
“No ma’am.” He smiled and held up a box. “I’m making a delivery today.”