All I can do is face the music. I text Lawson to let him know I made it home. The steps toward my front door are almost as hard as the ones I had to take when I walked to my car, but Lawson isn’t holding my hand right now, so it feels like I’m sinking into the ground.
“Ainsley sit down. We need to talk.” My mother’s anger-filled eyes are the first thing I see.
“Mom, I…” I barely get two words out before she interrupts me.
“No, sit down. I phrased it wrong. I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen.” She points at the chair I usually sit in.
“Okay.” I nod and sit.
My mom was angry on the phone. I played it off when I told Lawson about the conversation. It was still unresolved, and the punishment I got from him wasn’t going to allow me to purge the guilt. That’s probably why it hurt—why I couldn’t connect to it the same way I did when we were having fun.
“You know, Ainsley, I did everything I could to let you be a normal teenager. I knew you’d rebel, regardless of what I told you to do. I knew you would make mistakes and learning from them is supposed to be part of growing up.” She shakes her head and tears up. “Now? I don’t even know anymore. You got arrested, and I…”
“Mom, I’m sorry.” I tear up as well.
“I’m sure you think you’re sorry, but I don’t know if you even have any idea what that means.” She wipes away a tear. “I was so damn tempted to put my foot down after I had to come get you at the police station, but like every other time, I just thought you would learn something from it. I thought it would be the wake-up call you needed.”
“It was.” I look down and blink away my tears.
“No, it wasn’t.” She exhales sharply. “You don’t think, Ainsley. You live life like nobody matters except you. I don’t care if I’m nineteen, twenty-nine, or ninety, I would never stay out all night without letting someone know I wasn’t planning on coming home.”
“I know, Mom. I know I should have told you.” All I can do is stare at the floor.
I already felt guilty, and this is making me feel sick to my stomach. Rightfully so. That’s how I deserve to feel.
“But you didn’t, Ainsley. You acted like it was no big deal when you finally called me, after brushing me off entirely with a damn text message yesterday morning.” Her expression darkens. “I’m tired of it. I can’t do this anymore. I love you, and I always will, but something has to change. Since you aren’t capable of making that change yourself, I’m the one who has to do it.”
“What do you mean?” I lift my head nervously.
“It’s time for you to grow up, Ainsley. You need to get your own place. I’ve tried to get you to go back to school, and you refuse, so if you want to support yourself, now is the time to do it.” She sighs. “I hope the responsibility of taking care of yourself will be enough to finally open your damn eyes, because it’s a lot harder to make it than you think, and the last thing anyone needs is someone who doesn’t appreciate a single thing you do for them.”
“Mom, I know I don’t show it, but I do appreciate everything you do for me.” There is no way to fight back the tears now. They’re coming.
“I don’t think you do, and nothing you can say is going to change that, because you’ve never shown it.” She shrugs. “No matter how many chances I’ve given you.”
My mom gets up and leaves the room. She’s said her piece, and now she’s done. I sit in stunned silence for a couple of minutes before retreating to my bedroom. It won’t be mine much longer. I’m officially on my way to being homeless. I’ll never be able to afford a place to live on what I make at the diner, unless I start putting in a whole lot of overtime. I’m not even sure that will be enough. I’ll probably need two jobs just to get by.
I always wondered what it would feel like if my mother totally gave up on me. Now I do. It feels absolutely awful, like I have a weight on my chest and shoulders at the same time. All of the horrible things I’ve done have finally caught up with me. I kept pushing and pushing until she finally pushed back.
No fantasy can fix this. There’s no punishment bad enough to make this feel better. I’ve truly made a mess of things, and now I have to reap the consequences.
Chapter Eighteen
Lawson
Watching Ainsley drive away was hard. We shared something special. Two lost souls that found a glimmer of something beautiful in the midst of our darkness. We talk a couple of times before she makes it back to Cedar Grove. I get one final text message letting me know she made it home safe and sound.
Despite being rather lonely without her, it still feels like there is a glow in my apartment. A light that was left behind by her presence, a hint of her perfume in the air, gorgeous emerald eyes that f
licker when I close my eyes for a moment. I wish I could open them and see her staring back at me. I’d do about anything to make that happen.
She’s still such a mystery to me. Her needs, wants, and desires—all of her fantasies. I’ve only begun to see the woman behind them. I want to be the man who gives it to her. The man who satisfies every curiosity she has, as I learn everything there is to learn about her. Doing that in one weekend is impossible. I pray there will be more.
Now that I know Ainsley is safe at home, I can finally relax. I walk into the kitchen, pour myself a drink, and light a cigarette. It feels like an instinct. I don’t need the liquor to numb my pain, and I have every reason in the world to live, but I give in to my habits in the absence of what I actually want. Her. In my arms. In my bed. Across my knee if that’s what she wants. She can whisper anything into my ear, even if the only word I hear is Daddy.
I feel like that should bother me more than it does. The first time I heard it, it freaked me out, but it’s starting to grow on me. I certainly don’t see my daughter when I look at Ainsley. Far from it. I see a troubled but beautiful young woman who aches for guidance. I wish I were a better man, but I’m the one who found her. I don’t want to let her go.
Not now. Not ever.