I be so fucking stupid?
16
Brendan
Accompanying Song:
“Her Diamonds” by Rob Thomas
I beat on Lauren’s door until my hand was almost shattered from the repeated impact of bone on wood. I would have endured any form of pain to take her sorrow away. There were tears of regret in my eyes when I finally left and walked out onto the neon colored streets. I had made a horrible mistake. I understood how it looked on her side of the door. We had been trapped in a web of lies since the moment we set foot in Nashville. We were the ones walking on the edge of the web, but they had finally trapped us. I had no doubt that my career in country music was over, but I didn’t care about that. The only thing I cared about was Lauren. I needed her more than I needed anything else in the world.
“I’m so sorry…” I let my phone drop from my hands as I left another voicemail.
I’m so fucking sorry.
I collapsed on the floor beneath the weight of whiskey and regret as the sun started to rise in the morning sky. The light sickened me. My phone was a mess of calls from Sawyer, Gavin, and other people I knew. The one call I needed most wasn’t there. I crawled across the floor until I felt the rug beneath my hands and fell against it. My primal need for sleep wasn’t strong enough to knock me out, but exhaustion and alcohol had done the trick. I stayed in the black slumber of the dreamless sleep for hours until I finally woke up with my body covered in sweat. I immediately though of Lauren, but then the weight of everything crashed into me again as the fog of reality crushed my spirit. I found my phone again and scrolled through the missed calls. I tried her one more time, but didn’t even leave a voicemail when I heard her cheery voice asking for a message.
There’s nothing that can undo this. How can she ever trust me again after what she heard?
There was no way to bottle the dragon of despair I had unleashed on our world. I picked up my bottle of whiskey and drained a drop from the emptiness. I needed more. There wasn’t enough alcohol in Nashville to quell my sorrow, but it was the only thing I could turn to. I put on a hat and made my way to the liquor store. The television behind the register was playing our story. There was a picture of my face with a giant red X over it. I didn’t listen to the full story as I paid for my bottle, but some of them echoed in my eyes. Fraud—liar—those were both true. I walked back to my apartment and collapsed on the floor again. My fingers twisted the cap off the whiskey and I started to soak my liver in the poison.
Maybe this will just fucking kill me. I might as well go out like a country song if I’ve truly lost her.
I listened to a few of my messages. Between the angry calls from the people who had believed the lie I told and multiple requests for interviews, I heard Sawyer telling me that he couldn’t represent me anymore. Another one followed letting me know that my album was being pulled from the stores. Gavin was also done with me. He was heading back to Chicago because the explosion was blowing back on him since he was also in the recording. My horrible choice had destroyed everything. I had gone from hero to villain over the course of one stupid recorded mistake. I remembered the moment well, but we were so drunk that I didn’t even think about it being recorded. We were just jamming and he was learning the songs. If I would have been thinking straight, common sense would have told me to erase it.
Nashville is Chicago all over again, but this time, it is entirely my fault.
I spent a week lost in the bottle before I really saw the light of day again. I made a trek to the liquor store, drank, passed out, and repeated the process over and over. I barely ate and my body hurt every time my eyes opened. It was nothing like the despair in my heart, but the physical manifestation slowly ate away at my soul. There was no reason to stay in Nashville any longer. Lauren hadn’t called me once and everything I had was crushed to nothingness.
I packed a few things in a duffel bag and got on a plane to Chicago. Both cities were reflections of misery, but Nashville hurt worse. I was drunk by the time the plane landed and poured myself into the back of a taxi. I checked into a hotel under a fake name and crashed into the bed once I was in my room.
At least they deliver alcohol in Chicago. I won’t even have to leave this fucking room.
The fallout of my relationship with Lauren made national news. I finally got the courage to turn on the television and watch some of the videos online. She was painted as the victim, despite her role in the original lie. Sawyer had his public relations team working overtime, shaming me at every turn while propping her up as nothing more than an innocent girl from Texas who fell for an asshole. That much was true. If she managed to come out of the lie with her dignity intact, she deserved it. I hoped she would find happiness on the other side of our decimation. She was too innocent for the world Sawyer pushed us into. I could be the villain as long as she survived.
17
Lauren
Accompanying Song:
“Miss World” by Hole
I was living a new lie. My guilt ate me alive as I watched Brendan’s name get slaughtered in the headlines while mine was painted with broad strokes of heartbreak. I was the victim. I was the girl that fell for a man who seduced me with lies. That was the story they told, and it was partially true, but the reality was much worse. I was right there with him, telling every lie with snake venom on my tongue. We created a world that drew people in and we always planned to shatter their hope, but I never expected mine to be destroyed along with it. They called Brendan all sorts of horrible names. Some of them he deserved. The one that became a favorite of the media was Mr. Twang. The man who faked everything, including his accent, as he brought ruination to Nashville’s trusting heart.
“You’re going to have to give an interview at some point.” Sawyer leaned back in his chair and sighed. “You can’t be silent forever.”
“The fact I’m sitting here is a huge step.” My words snapped angrily against my teeth. “I just want to go back to Texas and pretend this is all a bad dream.”
“You could do that.” Sawyer nodded. “You’ll be right back where you started when the world first heard Shattered Heart. But what message does that send? Whether you like it or not, this is the narrative we planned from the beginning. The world needed to see that girl find happiness, and then stand beside her when she got her heart broken again.”
“Yeah, but that was supposed to help both of us. Brendan’s career is over. Mine might as well be. I don’t fucking want it anymore.” I shook my head back and forth.
“It is unfortunate what happened with Brendan, but he was the one that chose to take things to the next level. He didn’t have to pretend that he actually fell for you. The original version worked just fine.” Sawyer exhaled sharply. “I don’t know that it was totally a lie. I do believe he had feelings for you.”
“Really? You heard what he said on that recording. He had no reason to say it unless it was true.” I glared at Sawyer and narrowed my eyes. “It was just easier for him to keep me in line if I had feelings for him.”
“You really believe that?” Sawyer sighed.