Maidenhead

‘What do you mean not a lot?’

‘I don’t know. I mean not so much. We just met or whatever. You and Wils are together too?’

‘Eighteen months,’ Lee said. She looked at me behind her through the mirror. I slid down the wall to sit on the cold floor.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Why?’

‘I don’t know, I don’t really see you two together.’

‘Why not? That’s bold. You don’t even know me.’

Lee turned around and looked down at me. Her hair stood out from her skull like soft brown and black twigs.

‘I don’t know. Forget it.’

‘No, what do you see? I want to know.’

My jaw was all stiff. ‘You seem kind of off to the left of him. Bigger maybe, I don’t know.’

‘You see that?’

‘Yeah, I guess.’

Lee watched me and pulled her hair back into a bun. ‘Well, he’s kind of a man-boy. But I like that.’ Lee took out her stash wrapped in foil from her back pocket. ‘What do you want to do tonight?’

‘Smoke more,’ I said.

‘Okay, cool.’

Lee rolled a J on the medical-looking sink. ‘Let’s smoke all night and talk to the gods,’ she said.

‘We have to find them first.’

‘Right. Invite them in.’

‘Make them happy,’ I said.

‘Yeah. On our knees!’

I knew Lee knew what it was like to be on her knees, sucking a guy. I didn’t know yet, but I pretended I did.

‘Let’s go back and tell our men,’ Lee said. The joint was already lit. She was grabbing my arm to pull me up.

I forgot that we were talking about them. When Lee said men, I thought of Elijah. I thought of being on my knees for him. Elijah on my knees, on the phone, on his way. He told me that he was coming to Canada. I heard that bat-screeching laugh. Female.

‘I don’t want to go back yet,’ I said. ‘I can’t.’

‘Okay. You’re right. You’re okay. Let’s stay a little longer.’

Lee sat down with me on the floor. I was trying to de-stone myself, to stop being scared. Lee took a drag off the joint, then she ground it out on the floor, watching me. I was shaking. Shaking like after an orgasm. I couldn’t stop myself.

‘You’re okay,’ Lee said. She put her hand on my shoulder.

‘Okay, I know. I’m okay. But, uh, it’s like ... ’

‘What?’