July 14th
Dallie is getting so close, so fast to Dane. I’m not sure I like it, but I don’t guess I have much room to say anything after the whirlwind romance between me and Payton. We fell in love in all of what? 2 minutes.
I guess I’m being the overprotective big brother, but it’s my job to worry about my baby sister. Dallie hasn’t had much female influence in her life other than Ginny. Hopefully, that will all be changing since Payton is around so much now.
I’d kill Dane if he got Dallie pregnant.
I guess that’s what Jessie thinks about me.
I’ll be the one to kill Dane if he gets Dallas pregnant.
July 16th
Payton can still scream my name. Really loud. We were in my room and I wasn’t sure when anyone would come home so I put my hand over her mouth.
She bit me. Funny thing about that? I liked it.
The not so funny thing about it? Ginny came in the house and heard us. She knew what we were doing. She waited until Payton was gone to ask me if we were being careful. For future reference: Having the sex talk with your grandmother is not cool. Really.
I’m not telling Payton what Ginny asked me. She would be mortified. She’d probably never want to come back for cooking lessons and I need that girl to know how to cook if I’m keeping her forever. I love good food.
Don’t be so dramatic. It was just a gentle love bite. Maybe.
I liked it, too. And also what you did to make me scream your name. I wish you could do it again.
You’re right. I would have died if I had known Ginny heard us. Good call, Nick.
July 20th
I did the wrong thing to the right girl. Or at least I was told I did.
Today started out great with Payton at my house for her weekly cooking lesson with Ginny. But then the shit hit the fan. And it slung it all over the room.
A girl showed up at my house and told me I had a kid. A one month-old. She never even told me if it was a boy or a girl. I just thought about that.
I didn’t recall ever seeing this girl before in my life, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It’s not the baby’s fault and I know what it’s like to be thrown away by a parent so I couldn’t do that if this kid was mine.
I didn’t have a choice. I had to tell Payton. I could have lied about it until the DNA test came back. If the kid turned out to not be mine, then she never had to know, but I couldn’t do that to her.
She was devastated and it killed me to see that pain in her eyes.
I know what she was thinking because I was thinking the same. This kid just crushed our dreams.
I could give up any hope of her marrying me if this kid was mine. I could probably give up any hope of that even if it wasn’t. She was scared it would happen again and who was I kidding? It could happen again.
She said she was going to be with someone else so I could know the pain she was feeling. What could I say about it if she did? I’d been with too many to count. An unidentifiable number. Isn’t that what she called it?
She came to find me at the pool hall, but why? Did she come there to pick up somebody or did she come so we could work things out? I don’t guess it matters because Samantha saw her walk in and she jumped in my lap and put her tongue down my throat for Payton to see. Psychotic Bitch. I can only imagine how that must have looked to Payton. She didn’t believe me when I tried to explain. Could I blame her? Then again I was drunk as a skunk. I’m not sure how good of a job I did at explaining.
I don’t really remember what I told her. Something about wanting to put babies inside her seem to ring a bell for some reason. God, that was not the right thing to say to your girlfriend when another girl just showed up on your doorstep claiming to have had your kid. Except Payton wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. She was leaving me over this. And I can’t say I blamed her.
She deserved so much better than me. She now knew me for the son of a bitch I was and she left just like I knew she would.
But here’s the part where we slam on the breaks for what happened next.
The whole thing was bogus. I never met that chick. Samantha fabricated it all, including the part Payton saw in the pool hall, to break us up. And it worked like a charm. And now I have no way of proving any of this to Payton other than my word and that of my 2 drunk buddies.
I’m screwed. I saw the hurt in her eyes.
She’s not going to forgive me for this thing I didn’t do.
Oh, god. He didn’t get that girl pregnant and he didn’t want that psychotic bitch. All of this was her doing and I was blind to all of it because I was so stubborn. He knew I wouldn’t take his word for it. What have I done, Nick?
July 25th
Vivian enjoyed telling me Payton was with Cooper and it broke my heart.
That’s a bold faced lie. I am not with Cooper. I told him we would never get back together. My mother is a total bitch.
July 30th
Dallas says I can’t stay drunk for the rest of my life. I beg to differ.
I, too, have done my fair share of getting drunk since we broke up.
August 1st
My blood is drowning in alcohol. So is my brain. It’s the only way I don’t constantly think about the way I screwed up with the only girl I’ve ever loved.
Oh, Nick. What are you doing to yourself?
August 4th
My dad thinks I need help or something. I do. It’s called Payton Archer.
I’m so sorry for leaving.
August 6th
I’ve got to start classes tomorrow so I’ve decided to smile because it’s the easiest way to hide the pain and I’ll act like losing Payton wasn’t a big deal when it really broke my heart. It’s what everyone wants because it’ll make them feel better.
I’m doing it for them, not me.
Please, smile again. I miss your dimples.
August 7th
These are my own private thoughts and if I’m going to wuss out in this journal, I might as well do a bang up job at it. (That’s one of Payton’s words I love so much.)
I’m hollow without her. I want to beg her back but I know it would be wasted breath. She hates me. But I still love her.
I wish I could just stop loving her the way she stopped loving me but then I hate myself for even having those kind of thoughts. I don’t want to stop loving her.
Writing this down is the only reason I don’t lose my mind entirely. I can’t say these things to anyone.
Jessie says I need to talk to Claire’s mom but I can’t. This is my only way of confessing the way I feel.
I love you, too, Nick. I never stopped even when I thought the worse of you. Please, don’t stop loving me. I was wrong.