Little Cat

It came out of me. FOOL! I lay there, ears open, my throat going numb. I pounded the bed with my fists. Revolted curls in my gut. FOOL! You’re a fool! God, it wouldn’t stop! I hunched over, heaving. I threw up on the floor.

I don’t know how long I stayed in that position.

When I finally raised myself up, I staggered off the bed to get over to the window for air, one foot in front of the other. My heart was pounding too loudly. But my feet didn’t lead me to the window. I walked into the closet instead, and I started ripping my clothes from the hangers. Then I grabbed for the shoes and the boots that were there at the back and I started throwing them out of the closet. I was shrieking like a hyena each time one cracked against a wall. I wanted to erase all my fucks with the smacks. The sound of those shoes whipped like dead against the wall. Every time I heard a smack I knew there was a reason that man had hit me.

He’d hit me for a reason, yes, a reason so big that it built up inside me. A reason so big that it was shining all over my face!

I went out of my bedroom and into the bathroom. I turned on the shower but I didn’t get in. I felt the floor, the blue light, and I stared at myself in the mirror. Under my eyes was so dark. My lips were parted and dirty. I closed my eyes and opened them. I knew right then, I mean, I saw it so clear – I got hit because my need equalled the man’s need. Do you see what I am saying? All that time I spent on my knees was this balancing act. I was trying to make something even. I know that might not sound so good, but that is what it was. I got hit to come down to his level. I worshipped the man to bring him to mine. I touched him and stroked him no matter what he did because I was trying to bring up the middle between us.

See, I knew where I was when I was on my knees. When it was like this, I wasn’t confused about anything. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought I was beautiful.

I still feel beautiful when I walk out of my bathroom and I see his face. He is standing by the window. He has made up the bed. I feel my mouth in the weirdest smile. I know when I see him that I am over nothing.

Our eyes catch like hooks. And for once we are mirrored, for once we are looking at each other with ease. It’s the thrilling ease of seeing something you are. It seems funny to me all of a sudden. My smile gapes wider. I see all his teeth.

I know: this time things will be different because this time I am looking straight at him.

We don’t say a word. I still don’t know where to put all my desire. My desire for him always hurts when it rises. But I am pressing against whatever it is that is coming off him. I keep pressing into that place where I think I am falling, where I brace myself to fall, to come up again, to come and to fall.

I go down on my knees because I want to. I unzip his pants. I’ll take everything you give me, I am thinking so clearly, because I know I am taking in every part of you. With my mouth on his cock and his cock in my mouth I start to really relax. When I am here, I am right where I am: inside that place where I need to be badly, where he can feel everything, from right where I speak. I’m sucking his hook, I am swallowing whole. His sounds come out like the grunts of forever. I know he will have me, this time for good, love through his hands on the back of my head, I will always suck more to the sounds of this praying. I will always suck more to the end of all ends. I squeeze my whole life into this place, where his love meets my lips, shooting out like a piston. It’s the heart that he gives me. Half of a heart, a life full of secrets.

My man stops me and looks. His hand cradles under my chin. His cock is right there, as hard as a horn. Then he slides his arm around my neck, hugging my face tight to his thighs. My whole body instinctively jerks and draws back.

‘You love me?’ he says, still holding my chin.

I am looking at you.

‘I love you.’

We end up lying on the floor face to face. My legs are open wide. His hands stroke my waist. He is coming in naked. He presses on my mouth. His cock is inside me. I pull him all in. Our bodies go fast. It is hot

it is hot we are pulsing together.

This is what happens.

Do you see what I see? How I fell back to him? Why I stayed and I stayed near the shield of his chest?

It’s because nothing can really die between half-hearted people. We’re sharing our hearts and we’re down on the ground, where we can confess that there’s nothing we know about each other. There we are stuck, beating on each other’s chests, where all we know is what we’re going to do.

THE WAY

OF THE

WHORE

Sister, the Enchanter

has stolen my heart –

where can I go,

what can I do –

he took the breath from my lungs.

I’d gone to the river,

a jug on my head,