“I filed for divorce six months ago. This all happened a little before that.” Once I learned he’d been unfaithful, I filed shortly after that. I was hurt and reeling from the miscarriages and probably a little hasty in my decision. He begged to go to counseling or to take a vacation or hell, even move. He’d done everything short of cutting off his manhood and giving it to me and I wasn’t having any of it.
I didn’t think anyone could fault me for wanting to leave him, but did I regret it?
The jury is still out on that.
“When are we officially divorced?”
“A little over sixty days.”
“Is there any chance you’d be willing to try again?” he asks and I frown at his question.
“Please don’t ask me that.”
“Why?”
“Because it hurts.” It hurt every time he’d asked over the past six months, and there has been more than one occasion. This time is no different. I sigh, my body and mind and heart all exhausted from this conversation when I feel his hand slide back into mine.
“I really want to kiss you.” His words wash over me and seep into my soul.
“Bennett…”
“I know, I know. It’s just you’re the love of my life and you’re hurting and I can’t fix it. Hell, I caused quite a bit of it and I’m sorry and I just want you to know that, alright? I’m really fucking sorry for any pain I’ve ever caused you, Olivia. You have to know that.”
I bite my lip, wanting to give in to the moment of weakness that’s begging for him to kiss me. I want to feel his lips on mine, the heat of his body pressed against me. I wanted him so bad I can’t breathe. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I want the pain to dissipate. I want to be free to fall in love all over again with the man in front of me. One that only knew he loved me and no one else existed. I swallow and pull back slightly, realizing how close I am to Bennett’s face.
“I…I just need a second,” I whisper before I stand slowly. He nods, finally letting my hand go. It slowly slides out of his as if it’s happening in slow motion, and when it hits my side he stares at it, like it’s a part of him that he’s been forced to part with. Our eyes lock for a moment and I can see the mask he’s put up.
He needs you, Olivia, and you’re running from him just like you always do.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best to quiet my thoughts and turn away from him making my way towards my bedroom.
This isn’t like last time.
I hole up in my room for the next hour alone with my thoughts, my hormones and my heart telling me that I need to check on Bennett. That I’m being selfish again by telling him that I need space when it’s obvious that he’s hurting too.
You’re not the only one broken, Olivia.
I open my door prepared to go talk to him when I see him sitting on the floor in front of my room. His elbows are resting on his knees and his silky chestnut hair looks as if he’s been running his hand over the strands a dozen times over the past hour.
I clear my throat and his eyes meet mine. “Hey.” I lean against the door jamb and stare down at him as his green eyes stare up at me.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He winces slightly as he stands, towering over me as he moves into my space. I bite my bottom lip when he’s close enough for me to breathe in his scent and he lifts my chin to look at him. “I hate that I wasn’t there for you…when you needed me.” His voice warms me all over and I resist the urge to push myself into his arms and stay there.
“You were, Bennett. What happened between us wasn’t because you weren’t there. You were.” I shrug.
“I’ve been sitting here thinking…” He leans his arm against the wall and presses his forehead against it. He turns his head slightly to look at me. “I thought it was worse knowing that I hurt you so badly but not remembering what possessed me to do it…” He shakes his head and takes a step back. “But I was wrong. This hurts worse. Hearing you spell it out. Hearing what you went through, what we went through, and then how I reacted to it.”
“Bennett…” I trail off. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Wait what? “I mean…I’m much more together than I was six months ago. I could barely talk about it. I could barely talk to you.”
“And that’s an excuse?” he snaps.
“Okay, I’m confused.” I put my head in my hands. “I feel like you’re me and I’m you.” I chuckle to myself, as I realize the absurdity of the points we’re arguing.
“It’s not funny.” When I look up his face is serious and solemn. A scowl finds his full lips as he looks down the hall towards the master bedroom. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m going to go lay down for a bit since I didn’t get any sleep last night.”
“Bennett…”
“It’s bad enough that I cheated on you and to hear the circumstances around it…” He rubs his jaw and seeing his ring on his hand makes my heart skip a beat. I want to run my finger over the cool metal. “I thought I had a chance at getting you to forgive me. That maybe this situation would bring you back to me…” He shrugs. “But now, I can’t see how that’s possible.” He gives me a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “You were always the best thing in my life, Olivia Clarke.” He rubs his thumb over my chin gently before he backs away towards the master bedroom, and then he’s gone, leaving me with the confusing feeling that I want to tell him that just maybe it is possible.