Addicted to You (Swanson Court 2)

I study the picture, trying to read everything about their body language and the self-satisfied smirk on her face. It doesn’t help that she looks exquisite even in a candid picture.

He’s been fucking her for years.

What was she to Landon exactly? Why was he spending so much time with her?

I type a quick text to Rafael letting him know that I’m ready to leave. Then I send one to Laurie, telling her I have a headache and Rafael will be back to pick her and Chelsea whenever they’re ready to go home. There’s a crush of people on the way to the exit, and I push past them, willing myself to stop thinking.

You decided to be with him for as long as you could, I tell myself. Don’t overthink anything.

I repeat it as a mantra in my head until I make it outside. There’s still a line of people trying to get in, and I can’t see Rafael yet. So as I wait, I search my mind for all the reassuring things Landon has ever said to me. Everything that makes me sure, deep down, that we have something that’s more than just sex.

Then I see Ava Sinclair’s smirk, and I forget how to think.

“Rachel.”

Jack is walking up to me. He looks as if he ran out after me, but I don’t care what he wants. I blame him, for ruining my evening, and my peace of mind.

“What?” I hiss at him. “What do you want?”

He sighs. “I’m sorry, about back there. I just wanted to show you what kind of man…”

“Oh fuck you, Jack!” I say it loud enough that a few people turn to look at us. “You can’t stand to lose your favorite toy, is that it? You can’t stand that I’ve moved on? For God’s sake, Jack! Get over it.”

“I can’t.” He closes the distance between us and there’s an intensity in his eyes I never saw there in all the time we were together. “I can’t. Rachel, I… I love you okay? I’m in love with you.”

I close my eyes, all the anger slowly draining out of me, replaced by confusion and sadness. My first thought is of everything I would give to have Landon be the one standing in front of me and saying those words.

Maybe Jack takes my silence as capitulation because he steps forward and takes my face in his hands, kissing me with something that feels like desperation.

It only lasts for a few seconds. I push away from him, just as I see Rafael parking the limo and stepping out, his eyes on Jack.

“Are you all right?” he asks me, rushing over to insert himself between me and Jack.

“Yes, I’m fine.” I spare a glance at Jack, hoping that the displeasure in my eyes is enough to communicate that there is never going to be another chance for him, then I follow Rafael to the waiting car.

LAURIE is asleep when I leave for the airport. I was still awake and thinking about Landon when she came in at about three in the morning. I had planned to ask her how it went with Chadwick, but I can do that over the phone.

I spend the hours on the plane trying to read, but my thoughts keep intruding, my mind traveling to some imagined future where Landon is no longer a part of my life. I imagine the emptiness, the desolation, and it feels so real…

…and inevitable.

Then there’s Jack, and his declaration of love. Love! What the fuck had he been thinking?

I give up on reading and bury my face in my hands. I see Jack in my memories, the way I used to see him all those months when I’d hung on to him, thinking he was the man for me. Then I remember his petty attack on Landon last night, and that unwanted kiss. It makes me so angry that I wish I never had to see him again.

He’d never been the man for me. Maybe if he’d been the man I needed him to be from the start, I’d never have met Landon. If he hadn’t rejected me when I told him I loved him, maybe we’d still be together, maybe I’d be happy, satisfied that I had everything I wanted.

The picture is as lackluster as is usual with all my attempts to imagine my life without Landon. It’s as if he has defined what happine

ss is for me, what satisfaction is, and yet…

I hear Jack’s voice clearly, inside my head. Are you happy?

Am I?

I allow myself to concentrate on the fact that Landon is waiting for me, taking pleasure from the thought. At the airport, an unfamiliar driver picks me up for the journey to the Gold Dust.

My phone buzzes just as the car starts to move. It’s Landon.