Because of You (Swanson Court 5)

We both watch him walk toward the children and they race to him, screaming with joy as they launch their small bodies at him.

I’m silent for a while, just watching my brother and his kids. “It’s not just what she’s doing to me,” I say, my voice sober. “Look at what she’s doing to the play. People want to see her, not an unknown stand-in.” I sigh. “She’s selfish, just like she’s always been.”

Selfish.

Self-centered.

What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t left?

We’d be married. With a child, maybe two.

I’d resisted for as long as I could, but finally I’d bought into the fantasy that we could recover what we lost.

Had she been stringing me along, looking to see how long before I broke?

I wish I knew for sure.

Rachel sighs beside me. “I’m betting she’s not in a good place. She just lost her father. Grief does things to people’s minds and they make bad decisions.”

I snort. “She always knew she would do this. All that talk about wanting me to forgive her, wanting to give us another chance and make it right between us, it was just her manipulating me for her own amusement.”

“You can’t believe that.” Rachel shakes her head. “Not Liz. I don’t believe that one bit.”

I laugh bitterly. “Days ago, she was sure I still loved her, that I was angry because I’d never gotten over her, but now, according to her, I’m only with her because of pity and compassion.” I mutter a curse under my breath. “I’d feel far better about my chances for the rest of my life if she just tells me it was all a game to her.”

“And what if it wasn’t?” Rachel pats my hand. “You rejected her for so long, what was she supposed to think? How many times did you ask her to leave? How often did you tell her that there was no way to undo what she’d done? I’m guessing you kept telling her you didn’t love her anymore.”

“Well, I was lying.”

“Then you’ll have to convince her.”

You made me give up on you, Aidan.

My eyes go to the beach. The boys are pulling Landon by the hand and he’s laughing. It’s so familiar, it could be a scene from my childhood.

Beauty from ashes.

Here, close to the bliss of my brother’s marriage, it’s tempting to buy into the fantasy that all Liz needs is for me to step up, to do or say something.

But I know better.

I know she’ll wreck me. No matter what I say or do.

I turn back to Rachel. “There’s no point.”

She gives me a pitying smile. “I’m sure if you look inside your heart, you’ll find that there is.”

I plan to leave later in the evening. After lunch, I head to the garden and after a while Landon finds me there. We sit in silence for a long time.

A cool breeze ruffles my hair and sweeps a few dead leaves around my feet. Here, the sound of the ocean is almost too far off to hear.

“Rachel thinks you’re letting your anger cloud your judgement,” Landon starts.

“My judgement was clouded when I allowed myself to think there was a chance for me and Liz.”

Landon chuckles. “You are angry.”

Of course I am. I pull in a cool breath. “There’s a part of me that hopes I never see her again.”