Our Way

He raises his eyebrow. “Perhaps you should investigate this further. Calculate the risks with each woman.”

“There’s no contest. I’m not risking Eliza… under any circumstance.”

“But you are curious about the female body and how it would work with yours?”

My brow furrows as I contemplate his question. “Yes. I am.”

“Can you imagine yourself naked with Stephanie like you do with Eliza?”

“No,” I answer without hesitation.

“Do you think that’s something that you want to investigate?”

I twist my lips as I think. “Perhaps.”

“Can I make a personal suggestion, Nathan? Off the record.”

“Of course.”

“If it were me, and I was searching for answers, I would perhaps explore the possibility of having casual sex with another female before I made any decision that may risk a lifelong friendship. This is your sexual awakening, nobody else’s. Don’t tie your decision to one person. This isn’t about Eliza; this is about you. You would be doing yourself a disservice to rush into anything. And may I add, you haven’t been sexually active with anyone for a long time.”

“Meaning?”

“Perhaps your body is giving you distorted signals. You love Eliza, so it’s presenting as arousal but perhaps your body is just craving physical touch again.”

“That makes sense,” I nod as I contemplate his advice. “Thank you.”

“What are you going to do?”

I sit up with renewed purpose. “I don’t know, but you’re right about one thing: I do need to know if I’m sexually compatible with a woman.” I hold my hand out to shake his. “Thank you.” I give him a lopsided smile. “You’ve actually helped me today.”

“I didn’t help you at the last visit?”

“No.” I smirk. “You pissed me off.”

He chuckles and dips his head playfully. “Then my mission was accomplished.”

* * *

I bounce the tennis ball against the wall and it falls back into my hands.

I do it again.

And again.

I’m lying on my bed with my feet on the pillows. For two hours, I’ve been bouncing this ball while staring at the wall.

My mind isn’t here, though. It’s with my Eliza, across town. I keep seeing her face when I told her I needed space.

It hurt her.

What a joke! I don’t want space. I want just the opposite. I want to be curled up in her bed, with her head on my chest and her heart beating against mine.

My heart hurts not being with her tonight.

But I have to do this. I wasn’t lying.

I do need space.