I sit back in my seat, affronted.
“You would be out and proud if that’s who you really were. You’re not ashamed of being gay.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that maybe you just happened to fall in love with a guy first and that it doesn’t have to define who you will love in the future.”
My eyes drop to the counter in front of me. “I wouldn’t change meeting Robert.”
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a while, and my head is spinning about his revelations.
“Tell me this, Nathe. If you could go out tonight and pick up anyone in the world, male or female, and have sex with them, who would it be?”
Eliza.
I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. I exhale heavily and put my head into my hands.
“I feel like the walls are closing in. I’ve never been so confused in my life.” I sigh. “I’m watching things I shouldn’t be watching. Thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking.” I shake my head in disgust. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me, and you know what I noticed this week?”
“What?”
“Maria, my receptionist, has great legs.”
He frowns.
“She’s worked for me for four years, and just this week, I noticed she has great legs.”
“Why?”
“You tell me.” I gasp. “I’m like a fucking pubescent teen again. I’m confused and angry… anxious.” I shake my head in frustration. “I’m having wet dreams and jerking off in Eliza’s bathroom, for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me or how to deal with it. It’s like I’ve been rewired or something.”
His eyes light up. “Yes. Maybe that’s just what’s happened? Maybe by not having sex with anyone, you’ve wiped the slate clean. You’ve been guided for so long by what’s familiar, that maybe now, it’s time for a change.”
“But what if this has nothing at all to do with Eliza?” I ask.
“It might not.” He shrugs. “All these new feelings you’re having may be misplaced toward her. Maybe you’re clinging to her because she wants to date again and you don’t want to lose her.”
“That’s the worst thing I could ever do,” I whisper.
“And the most selfish.”
“Fuck.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “This is a nightmare. So much to… and all I want to do is… ”
“You can’t touch her. You can’t fucking touch her until you get your shit sorted.”
“I know.”
“I mean it, Nathe. If you sleep with Eliza before you work out what’s going on with you, you will fuck up everything.”
“Do you think I don’t fucking know this?”
We fall silent, once again, as we both stare at the bar.
This situation is impossible.
“That’s if she’ll have you. Assuming that she would even like you. I mean, I wouldn’t if I were her.”