“Burnout is the experience of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, often caused by long-term involvement in emotionally demanding situations.”
“What does that mean?”
“Could it be, Nathan, that you shut down on Eliza because you were battling with yourself over your love for her, and you had been for a long time?”
What does she mean by that?
Silence.
“Is it possible that Eliza verbalized your deepest fear?”
After a while, he softly says, “I already knew.”
“You knew what?” Amanda asks.
“Deep down, I knew she would think that I only wanted her for a child.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t fit into society’s box and she does.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Because…?” Amanda prompts.
“Because as much as I want to believe in it, love isn’t love.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“Out of everyone in the world, Eliza knows me better than anyone, and if she doesn’t believe in my heart,” he whispers sadly, “nobody ever will.”
The tears break free and roll down my face.
“Oh, Nathe,” I whisper. This was before he read my letter.
He actually believed I didn’t love him.
Amanda goes on to say something else but I don’t want to hear any more.
I can’t stand it.
I fumble with my phone and turn it off. Then I throw my phone out onto the couch in the living room.
I pour myself another wine so fast that it sloshes over the side of the glass. My heart is racing in despair. Enough is enough.
No more pain.
I sit at the kitchen counter and wipe my eyes. Nathan will be home soon.
I’ve cooked his favorite dinner and dessert. I’ve showered and primped and now I just feel so sad.
So guilty, and so, so stupid.
Nathan and I broke each other’s hearts because we couldn’t communicate. Now that I’ve heard those transcripts, it’s opened back up my emotions, and everything feels so real and raw.
I can’t stop crying.