Josh steps forward. “Careful,” he growls.
Christopher turns to him. “Has she told you that she loves you yet?” Josh continues glaring at him but doesn’t answer.
“I take it that’s a yes.” Christopher laughs. “You poor bastard. You’re next. I met up with the ex – ex – boyfriend the other day and she did the same thing to him. Expresses undying love and then poof…up and left without as much as a hint of guilt. Don’t say I didn’t warn you mate. She’s the fucking ice queen.” Joshua glares at him and I grab his hand.
“Take me home, Josh.” He nods.
“When your fucking heart is broken into a million pieces remember this warning,” Christopher snaps. I’m appalled. I have never been so embarrassed. Is that true—am I an ice queen? Hot tears start to run down my face as we walk down the outside steps towards the car. Josh opens the door and I get in and break into full–blown sobs. I have hurt two beautiful men because I was too selfish to let them go, knowing all along in my heart that I could only ever love Joshua. Josh gets in and starts the car in silence, not looking at me. We drive in silence for fifteen minutes. I continue to cry and put my hand on Josh’s leg for comfort and he picks it up and flicks it off his leg. I frown at him.
“Am I fucking next Natasha?” he screams.
“Huh, what are you talking about?” I sob.
“It seems to me there is a pattern here. You’ve already broken my heart once. Is that it? Or are you planning on do
ing it again? You make men fall madly in love with you and then…” He shakes his head unable to articulate his words.
“What’s with dancing with that girl tonight, Josh? Are you trying to send me insane?” I snap.
“Who are you kidding? You didn’t even care I was dancing with her—you were too focused on your ex.” I roll my eyes and my tears start again.
“Don’t start with the fucking waterworks. If anyone should be crying it’s me. I already know what’s coming for me as soon as you get bored. You will leave me just like that and move onto your next victim,” he yells.
“I would never leave you. You know that!” I scream.
“You already left me and I’m still not fucking over it,” he screams back. I wipe my eyes angrily with the back of my hands.
“Don’t you dare throw that in my face. I broke up with you for you. I had to save you from yourself you were going to give everything up to be with me and I loved you too much to let you do it.” He pulls up out the front of my building.
“So what’s the excuse with the other poor bastards? I suppose you had to save them from themselves?”
I glare at him. “I broke up with them because I was still in love with you. You asshole. God knows why.” I get out of the car and slam the door. He is hot on my heels. I look over and see the two bodyguards wisely staying in their car. God what must they think? It’s like frigging Jerry Springer around here. We enter the lift and I hit the button, he stays silent, his arms crossed in front of him, glaring at me. We get to my floor and he gets his keys out and opens the door. I storm in and head straight for my therapy of choice, a boiling hot shower, and he follows me.
“Get out!” I scream.
“No!” he screams back. He sits on the floor outside the shower and I turn my back to him.
“Why are you so mad at me? I’m the one who’s mad,” he snaps.
I frown. “I’m mad because you think you know everything about me and you know nothing. I’m mad because you dare even compare our relationship to any others I have been in. I’m mad because I have given you the best years of my life and you throw it in my face continually.” I can’t help it I break into full–blown sobs.
“How in the hell have you given me the best years of your life? We only just got back together.” Oh my god. I grab a bottle of shampoo and hurl it at him. “I said, get out!”
“No. Why is our relationship so different to others? You’re talking shit.” He blows out a breath as he links his hands on top of his head.
“You really want to know? Do you?” I scream. “While you were whoring yourself around the United States of America, I was here waiting like the absolute idiot that I am. I have never slept with anyone else, Josh. You’re the only man I’ve ever let make love to me.” He steps back, stunned. “So when you dare compare what we have to the platonic relationships I had with other people, I find it insulting.”
His eyes widen. “I don’t understand.”
“No, you wouldn’t, because you’ve slept with anyone with a pulse.” I start crying again, frigging hormones.
“Why haven’t you slept with anyone else?” He really is stupid.
“Because I belong to you Josh. My body belongs to you and I could never betray you. When I said that I loved you, I meant it. Unfortunately my love has had to be unconditional, because you never loved me with the same depth that I loved you. I told you once—once!—that I slept with someone else and you believed it—and you never came back for me. That’s not love Josh. Trust me I know love—you have no fucking idea. Every goddamn morning my google alert would tell me about the tenth girl you slept with that week. And I, being the stupid fuck that I am, would cry myself to sleep every night missing you and still deny myself the intimacy that you got from everyone else. Because I couldn’t betray you!” Hearing myself state the pathetic truth hurts and I slump to the floor and burst into full–blown sobs. It’s true. I have given him the best years of my life and he doesn’t love me the way I have always loved him. He showed me that tonight on the dance floor with that girl.
My god! I’m shocked. Surely this can’t be true. She sits on the bottom of the shower sobbing. I have never felt like such a total prick in my life. It’s true, I have fucked my way around the United States…and she’s never…I put my hand over my mouth. I feel sick to my stomach. Tears fill my eyes but I quickly blink them away. It’s not…possible…is it? I don’t deserve her. Brock is completely right, she is out of my league. My eyes flick back to her as she sits hysterical on the bottom of the shower. What do I do? How in the hell can I ever make this up to her? And here I am accusing her of planning to break my heart when I’ve been breaking her heart all along. I walk into the shower fully clothed, drop to the floor and pull her onto my lap.
“Baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?” I gently kiss her forehead, her chest is racking with sobs. We have put each other through hell. My denial of intimacy with another woman. Her denial sexually with another man. My heart breaks as I watch her sob in despair. I don’t know what to say—I feel helpless. The lump in my throat is back. Why in the hell are we related? I close my eyes in pain. We deserve an easier path. I have never felt such deep regret. I have always loved her, but deep down I couldn’t forgive her for betraying me and now I find out that she never…God, what a mess.