“She has to give up her job, her family, her friends and her country to be with you.”
“I know but I told her after five or ten years we could come back here.”
“Are you really prepared to take motherhood from her, Josh?”
I frown. My eyes shoot to Natasha who is now wading in the pool with Bridget and the three girls. “Josh, you know you two can’t have children together, right?” My heart drops.
“What do you mean?” I ask, panicked.
“Josh, it’s cross breeding. You can’t do it. The children will end up sick.” My eyes widen as I take in the information he has just given me. My eyes flick to Natasha again. Why in the hell did I not think of this before? Fuck!
“Look, I don’t know man. It’s none of my business. But you had better be sure before you strip her of everything is all I’m saying.” He looks at me deadpan and takes another swig of his beer and I know he is completely serious.
Maria comes over and grabs Sean by the hand. “I’m stealing my husband Joshua.” And with that she drags him away. I sit still, stunned to my core. I am so fucking stupid. My heart drops as I watch Natasha’s uninhibited laughter, like she doesn’t have a care in the world. She deserves better than I can give her—all the money in the world cannot replace motherhood or her family. I close my eyes and consider the serious ramifications for her if we stay together. In years to come I know she will regret the choice to give up a family to be with me—any one in their right mind would. I’m not worth the sacrifice. Not with my baggage. She should be with someone like…Christopher. He can give her what I can’t. He still loved her and they weren’t even sleeping together. Pain lances through my chest as I realise she is better off with someone else, someone for whom she would not have to sacrifice. Someone who I know would look after her. Someone who loves her as much as I do. Her words come back to haunt me. I had to save you from yourself, baby, you were going to give everything up to be with me and I loved you too much to let you do it. I put my head in hands as I think.
I honestly don’t know if I can do it. I’m not strong enough to walk away.
Am I?
On the way home I am holding Josh’s hand on my lap. “Are you tired baby?” I ask and his eyes flick to me and he frowns. “You hardly ate any dinner and you’re so quiet.”
He smiles a shy smile at me. “Yeah, I guess I am.” He picks my hand up and kisses the back of it. His eyes are then on the road and he is deep in thought again. What is he thinking about?
“Do you think your friends liked me?” I ask nervously.
He smiles broadly at me. “There isn’t a person on earth who wouldn’t like you, Tash.”
I smile. “Except for your mother,” I tease.
He bursts out laughing. “Yes, she is the exception.” He rolls his eyes. We get home and I get into the shower and Josh stays in the kitchen and puts the kettle on. Twenty minutes later I get out of the shower wondering where my shower buddy got to, fully expecting him to be asleep on the lounge. I look up the hall from my bedroom and I see Josh pacing in the lounge room with both hands linked on the top of his head. He does that when he is upset. I’ve seen him do it before. What’s the matter with him? What is he thinking about? He seems worried about something. I stand in the hall watching him. I have to say he’s acting strange. I walk out as I continue drying my hair.
“Josh, what’s wrong?” His eyes search mine. “Are you sick?”
He pulls me into an embrace and kisses the top of my head. “I love you Natasha, you know that, don’t you?” I smile and nod as I kiss his chest—what is this about?
“I love you Josh, you know that, don’t you?”
He smiles nervously and nods. “Sit down presh, we need to talk.”
“Ok what about? Are you going to take me to pound town my beautiful Lamborghini?” I raise my eyebrows as I go to drag his shorts down but he stops me. His face drops and he looks like he is about to burst into tears.
I frown. “Josh, what is it? You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
He swallows and goes to speak but nothing comes out and he closes his mouth again.
“I, I just have a head… headache that’s all,” he stammers. I smile a big smile at him.
“You big dope, why didn’t you tell me? I will get you some aspirin.” I jump up and return with a glass of water and his tablets and he pulls me down onto his lap and cuddles tightly.
“Bed baby,” I demand. “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
As I lay in bed four hours later I am achingly aware that Josh is wide awake next to me thinking about something. I can hear his mind ticking from here. Something has happened today, something that has upset him. Maybe he spoke to his mother on the phone and is upset about it or maybe his friends didn’t like me. I don’t think that is it though. I can’t put my finger on it but being a psychologist sucks sometimes. I wish I couldn’t read people so well or try to analyse why they are thinking so much. He said he had a headache and I should just believe him. Unfortunately a tiny voice deep down in the pit of my stomach is telling me something is seriously wrong with my beautiful man and it’s a problem that he doesn’t want to share with me. Maybe tomorrow will bring new light.
I woke alone this morning, no note left from Josh and it is now four o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t heard from him at all today, which is very unusual. He hasn’t left while I slept since we started seeing each other seriously and it has left me feeling uneasy all day. I called him to see if his headache was alright but he didn’t answer or c
all me back He has usually called me at least a couple of times or texted me long before this. I walk outside to my car in between my patients to try and find Max. I find him sitting in the park.
“Hi, Max.”