“If Joshua turns up here you will be honest with him.”
My stomach drops. “He won’t. I know he won’t. He would be beyond mortified that his staff and brother saw him in tears the other day. His pride will keep him away.” I sigh sadly.
“Does that bother you?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders as I contemplate her question. “That’s Joshua, he’s a proud man. He won’t beg again, I know that. His upset will turn to anger soon and he will return to LA.” My eyes tear up at the painful thought.
“Please go to him, Tash,” Mum whispers.
I shake my head. “We just talked about this. I told you what I am doing. I am not giving up on us. I am just putting it on the backburner for a while.”
She shakes her head. “You are going to lose him,” she sighs
I pull my eyes away from hers in anger. “Like I said, if I do, he was never mine to start with.”
It’s Wednesday, 2.00 pm, and I am sitting in my office staring at my computer monitor trying desperately to rein in my grief. Thirty-two emails from Joshua just today and each day that number has risen. On the first day I got one with the subject Joshua, when I clicked on it I realised he had a read receipt on it so I couldn’t open it. I’m dying to know what he is trying to say—is he hurting as much as I am? Each day since then though the pattern has changed. He has started speaking to me through the subject line:
Natasha listen to me.
I am sorry.
It meant nothing.
You’re overreacting.
Speak to me.
Say something!!!!
I love you. Please.
I smirk as I read the subjects of today’s email in bold print. Can’t hold a good temper down for long, that’s my man. I’m glad he’s angry. It means he’s close to leaving Australia. He won’t put up with being ignored for too much longer. It’s not in his nature. I know he’s too proud to come over here and beg or make me listen. He probably would though if there wasn’t security everywhere. I now have four men trailing me at all times. It’s totally ridiculous. His irate email headings read:
Fucking speak to me.
You left me. Remember.
Sorry I am not as perfect as you.
You are going to regret this.
Speak to me or I will never forgive you.
Your last words to me were, I never want to see…
I fucking mean it.
You owe me to listen.
Ring me. Now!!!!
“Oh baby, just go.” I whisper as my heart fills with hurt. I link my hands on top of my head and sit back in my chair. I blow out a deep breath of regret as I go over the words Speak to me or I will never forgive you. What if he
really never forgives me and I lose him … forever. Would we make it if I went with him? I know I’m not good girlfriend material at the moment. I’m just too insecure and that trait doesn’t sit well with me. He deserves someone stronger and in the life that he leads insecurity would poison anything beautiful we ever had between us. No. Sacrifice now for payment later. I have made the right decision. If we are meant to be it will work out in the end and if not … who knows and who cares for that matter? A life alone with ten cats sounds good at the moment. I’m so sick of my head being filled with all this pressure. I’m twenty-five. I should be tarting around town without a care in the world … like Abbie. Not suffering terrifying nightmares and migraine headaches not to mention the inability to eat or sleep. I don’t need this shit in my life. It’s just not worth it. I’ve been summoned to Oscars tonight by the girls. They had dinner again last night with the boys so I know I am going to get a lecture. They have been blissfully silent up until this point and not wanting to upset me but that will all end tonight.
I walk sheepishly into Oscar’s with Max at eight-fifteen. I have been staying with my mother but tonight I am going to go home after this. I need to get back to some normality. I see the girls sitting in our regular seats and smile and wave on my way over to them. I flop into the large leather chair and Max goes and sits in the corner on the other side of the café at a table and pulls out his iPad to start reading his book.
“Hi.” I smile.