I nod as I focus my eyes on the table leg.
Nicholas shakes his head to himself. “And then it gets worse… you die while you are still alive. You don’t feel anything anymore. No joy, no happiness. The only thing that seems to be present is a massive hole in your life, one that can never be filled. An emptiness that won’t go away.”
“Yes,” I whisper through bleary eyes.
“I wanted to die too, Joshua. I know how it feels to want to join the person you love.” He grabs my hand over the table.
My tears drop onto my cheeks. I can’t hold them in anymore.
“Why didn’t you?” I whisper.
“I had the plan, I had the medication, I had it all worked out. But every time I would go to do it, I would think of Olivier and how disappointed he would be. He was strong and if every day I could just try and be strong like him.” He pauses as he wipes a tear and our eyes meet again. “One day at a time,” he whispers. “I just survived one day at a time.”
I nod and close my eyes in pain.
“For seven years I ambled through grief trying to find myself. Trying to find happiness in the arms of others, only to wake disgusted with myself, and then I would dive deeper into despair.”
I nod. I can relate. I did that for the whole of my early twenties when I was trying to get over Natasha the first time.
Nicholas smiles broadly through his tears. “And then one day in a crowded restaurant I saw this…” He pauses again as he remembers and he smiles. “Blond American.”
I smirk—Adrian.
“He didn’t want anything to do with me and for some reason that’s exactly what I needed.”
He stands and walks over to the fake glass pane and looks into it.
“You know the morning I left Adrian?”
My eyes look at his back. “Yes,” I answer.
He bites his bottom lip as he contemplates telling me. “Adrian and I had been inseparable for a month and had been intimate for the first time all weekend, as you
probably already know. He was different to anyone I had ever met: smart, strong and yet gentle. Pure, he was so pure. I remember waking that morning and feeling so…” He shakes his head as he remembers. “So unbelievably happy and Adrian was asleep next to me and then I looked at my phone and I realised the date.”
I frown.
“The day before had been my anniversary and I hadn’t even realised. I had missed Olivier’s and my wedding anniversary because I was making love to another man all day without a care in the world. I had never been so disgusted at myself in my life.”
“Lots of men miss anniversaries,” I murmur to try and make him feel better.
He nods, “I know. I missed three when we were married and Olivier had to remind me. But this was different. I realised that moment that I had fallen in love with someone else and I wasn’t mentally prepared to do that.”
He sits back down opposite me and folds his hands in front of him. “And I have been miserable again every day since. I have lost two men that I love, one through death and one through punishing myself for living.”
I frown. “I thought you and Adrian were working it out?” I reply.
He shakes his head. “I’m in love with Adrian but he won’t let me in again… and I don’t blame him.”
I nod and drop my head—stubborn shit of a man.
“And besides Olivier would not want me to move on,” he continues sarcastically.
I shake my head. “That’s wrong. It’s not your fault that he died. Olivier was a good man and he would want you with someone who can make you happy and who loves you. You deserve happiness, Nicholas.”
Nicholas’s eyes meet mine. “And so do you, Joshua, and Natasha would want you to live for her.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.