“You’re sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Candace looked worried, like she thought if I went anywhere by myself I might break into pieces or something.
“I’m sure,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I’m not so fragile that I can’t go to my apartment and change for work on my own.”
We stepped out of the elevator and walked out into the street. “As long as you’re feeling up to dealing with…whatever situation made you leave there in the first place,” she said, far from convinced.
Was I feeling up to dealing with it? I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t hide in Candace’s spare room forever.
“I am,” I assured her.
She nodded, and impulsively, I gave her a tight hug. “Thanks for everything,” I whispered.
“Any time.” She patted my hand and jogged off in one direction. I turned in the opposite direction and started walking.
It was still very early, and the streets were almost empty. A chilly breeze blew along the sidewalk, making me pull my sleeves over my hands. Farther up the street, a homeless man gathered some cartons from where he’d slept in front of an open grill, and I offered him all the cash in my purse.
“Bless you,” he muttered, not meeting my eyes.
“Thank you,” I replied. I kept walking, determined not to dwell on my pain over Jason, not when there was so much else to be sad about. He was a liar who didn’t deserve the space in my heart he’d occupied.
I let myself into the apartment and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when I found the living room empty. I only planned to spend enough time to shower, change, and leave for work, and I wasn’t looking forward to talking to Amy.
I’d missed her more than I thought I would, and the memory of her tears and genuine regret compounded the soreness I already felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to forgive her, not yet. She’d had no right to talk about my sex life with her brother. In a way, she’d been the catalyst to his whole game, and I couldn’t just sweep that aside.
She’d left a note in my room, and I found it on the floor as soon as I opened the door.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know you’re pissed at me and you have every right to be. I wish I knew what to do to make up for what I did. I’ll do anything. Please, you don’t have to leave the apartment. I’ll get out of your face. I’ll be at my parents’ house for a few days. I’m so so sorry.
I swallowed the aching lump in my throat. I’d made a lot of bad decisions, starting from the moment I decided to sleep with Jason. I’d lied to Amy and even to myself. As angry as I was, I hated that she was blaming herself for everything even though she had tried to warn me about Jason.
If I hadn’t lied about not being interested in him, maybe she’d have told me the truth, and I’d have been wary enough to see through his bullshit.
I put the note away, took a quick shower, and then dressed for work, choosing a dress in a dark color that matched my mood. I a
dded minimal makeup, enough to hide the signs that I’d spent the weekend in tears, then brushed my hair until the highlights shone and it fell around my shoulders in a soft curtain.
I never wanted you to be alone again.
How could he say all those things and make me believe he was sincere?
Even though I was determined to stop dwelling on him, I had to take a moment. I was close to tears again, and I sat at the edge of my bed and covered my face with my hands. I was drowning in broken dreams and desires. I’d felt so much, expected so much. Why did he have to make me believe there was a possibility of a future filled with love when all he wanted was to nail his sister’s roommate?
What if that wasn’t all he wanted? What if he wasn’t lying? What if he really wants to be with you?
Hope soared through me like a soothing curse, but I quickly buried it under my pain and disappointment. I knew better than to cling to some unlikely belief that Jason wasn’t a player. Everything pointed to the fact that he had lied to me, deceived me, used me as a challenge. There was no way I was going to be that girl, the one who went around believing a man like Jason would change for her. I was done making a fool of myself.
Downstairs, I found a taxi and tried to keep my mind blank during the short ride to work. Somehow, I almost convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, I could make it through the whole day without any painful reminders. I swiped my card and stepped out into the morning, my heart determined to find some source of hope, any balm for the pain, any way to forget.
“Daphne.”
At the sound of Jason’s voice, at the sound of my name on his lips, my heart thudded in my chest and I almost lost my balance. My senses soared and dived and I started to tremble.
Jason.
He was a storm that could affect me to the very depths of my soul with just one word. He was nectar. He was poison. He was everything I wanted but shouldn’t.
I hadn’t seen him since Amy’s revelation, and I had borne all my anger and hurt without the added agony of looking at his face or hearing his voice. Now, all the pain of the past two days tore through the layers of my mind and ripped to the surface.
No.