“No.” His voice is gentle, and his expression is a heartbreaking mixture of confusion and sadness, making my heart ache much more than it’s doing already. He takes a step towards me and holds out his arms, as if to reach for me, but then he stops and drops them to his side.
“Constance told me everything,” He says quietly.
I stare at him in alarm. “Not...”
“Everything,” he repeats, his eyes on my face telling me that he knows.
I shake my head wordlessly, turning away from him. “Why?” I say, “Why did she have to tell you? I told her not to.”
“She had to.” He says gently, “When you left, I think I went a little crazy. I took the boat out and just let it drift, without caring where it took me. You made me happy, Olivia. For the first time in seven years I felt like there was hope, and then you threw it back in my face by leaving.”
“I couldn’t…”
He shakes his head. “I understand now. I was such a beast to you all the time, and that last day wasn’t enough to change all that. Luckily, Constance found me before I let the boat drift out to open sea.” He sighs. “She told me how much of a fool I was being, and then she told me everything you had been through.”
I choke as a sob escapes me. As always, the reminder of what I lost, my future with Jackson, the baby we made… it makes me so incredibly sad. This time, he comes to me and draws me into his arms, holding me tightly to his chest. I can’t help it. I give in to the tears.
“I didn’t know.” I say through my sobs, “not at first." How many times have I imagined of telling him this? How many times have I imagined the condemnation in his eyes? Now the only thing I can see is tenderness, and it kills me inside.
“When I found out, I was too scared to tell you. I didn’t know what you would say.” I look up at him, my eyes imploring. "I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.” I tell him earnestly, the same thing I’d said to Constance at the hospital all those years ago, when she’d thought I tried to kill my baby and myself. “I didn’t step into the road on purpose.” I say desperately, “There was a bike messenger and I was right in front of him…”
“Shhh.” Jackson whispers, drawing me closer, “I know it wasn’t your fault.” His hands are rubbing my back, soothing and tender. “God I’m so sorry,” He says, “I should have been there.”
I sigh. “Constance was at the hospital when I woke up.” I tell him. “She was the one who told me I’d lost the baby. She guessed then that it was yours, but I made her promise never to tell you. I didn’t want you to hate me any more than you already did.”
He hugs me tighter, until my tears are wet pools on his shirt and my nose is filled with the scent of him. “I never hated you Olivia,” He tells me, “I always loved you, always."
“But you were so angry.”
“Yes I was.” He admits, “That night seven years ago, I was so angry I wanted to ki
ll Carter, and I would have, if I had been the one to walk in on him touching you. When I left, I wanted to hurt someone, to howl at the moon, anything. I couldn’t stand to be around all those people at the party. So I left, and drove as far as I could.
“But you came back.”
“Yeah, after falling sleep in my car, by the time I got back home, I was still so angry, I didn’t want to see anyone, you, Constance, Blythe… so I went to the gazebo," He pauses, “and then you came.”
I remember how miserable I had been that day, how I had also been trying to avoid him, and then I had walked straight to where he was.
“I took my anger out on you because I wanted to punish you for making me feel so powerless. Olivia, because that’s what you did, you made me feel like a fool for all the dreams I had been building about our future, for thinking that you loved me. When I left you there, I told myself that if I meant nothing to you, if being with me was just a game to you, a way to pass the time until Carter or someone else came around, then I didn’t care. I could go to school and date anyone I wanted, so I tried to do that, but I had to come back, to see you.”
“But… When you came, you acted like you couldn’t stand the sight of me.” The memory fills me with renewed pain.
“And yet I couldn’t keep my hands off you. As soon as I saw you, I knew everything I’d been telling myself was a lie. I didn't want to move on, I wanted you, and I wanted you to want only me.” He laughs softly, “I was crazy about you, little more than a child, and I was so crazy I couldn’t help myself.”
“Then you left... The next day, and I tortured myself with the thought that I’d driven you away. After you called Constance and told her you were going to stay with a friend in New York, she told me that it had all been Lindsay. I think she thought you left because you hadn't forgiven her. But I knew it was me, and I couldn’t forgive myself. I imagined how much you must have hated me for not even asking you what happened and I hated myself so much. I couldn’t believe that I had been so blinded by my jealousy, I didn’t even give you a chance. I left you all alone, when I should have stood by you.”
“I didn’t hate you.” I deny. “All I wanted was for you to let me tell you the truth.”
“I didn’t know that,” he says earnestly. “All I could think was how despicable I was, how I didn’t deserve you.” He shakes his head, “By then you were living with Chace, and I tortured myself with the thought of him picking up the pieces I had so carelessly broken.”
I shake my head. “But Chace and I were just friends.”
“I know that now, but then, I convinced myself of a lot of things, that you had moved on, that you had gotten over me, that you were happy, and I hated you for it. I was a mess. I convinced myself to hate you, it was much better than loving you when you weren’t mine. If I had known what you were going through… ”
“It doesn’t matter now,” I smile through my tears. “It was such a long time ago,”
“Yes... but not a day goes by that I haven’t thought about everything that happened then. What I knew of it, or what I thought I knew. When I saw you in that restaurant three years ago, I almost went crazy. As far as I was concerned, it was further proof that you had moved on, when I was still flailing around, trying to forget.” He sighs, “You’ve always been a part of me Olivia, no matter how hard I tried to fight it, or deny it."