Metro Girl (Alex Barnaby 1)

“It is to a man. This beach is just one big bakery.”

“You are so eloquent!” Judey said to Hooker.

“That’s because I’m NASCAR Guy,” Hooker said. He slung an arm around my shoulders and dragged me close to him. “This conversation isn’t doing much to improve my chances of scoring with you, is it?”

“There he is,” Judey said. “That’s Todd. He’s the luscious thing on the blue beach towel. And he’s wearing his red thong. Don’t you love it? He’s such a Mr. Pickle Pants!”

Todd was stretched on a beach towel, broiling himself on the sand, halfway to the water’s edge. He looked like he was probably in his early twenties. And Judey was right…Todd was luscious. He stood when he saw us, so we could better appreciate his lusciousness. His body was toned and golden, and the red thong showed off a terrific ass and a bunch of lumpy things in the front. I was trying to think positive about the bakery concept, but the bagels in his bathing suit weren’t doing a lot for me.

Todd bent over to pet Brian, and I made an instant mental note to never bend over in a thong. Brian didn’t share my perspective and thought it was all just fine. In fact, Brian was beside himself, wagging his tail, vibrating with happiness.

Judey introduced us to Todd and told him Bill was missing.

“Missing,” Todd said. “What do you mean?”

“Gone. Poof. Disappeared,” Judey said.

“We were told he quit.”

“Yes. But then he disappeared. And his apartment has been searched. Twice!” Judey said.

“I don’t know what to say. He didn’t seem to be into anything weird. One minute he was there, and then he was gone. I was sorry to see him take off. He was a good guy.”

Brian was dancing around, wanting to be petted some more. He was kicking sand up with his schnauzer toenails, and the sand was sticking to Todd’s oiled, perfectly waxed legs.

“Did you work with him on the last trip?” I asked Todd, trying hard not to stare at the lumpy banana sling.

“Yeah. We were out for five days.”

“Anything unusual happen?”

“No. It was a routine run, except it was cut short. We were supposed to be out for a full week. A Calflex vice president and a Calflex security guy were on board. A couple South Beach ladies. And four executives from some software company.”

“Do you know why it was cut short?”

“No, but it happens. Usually it’s because Calflex needs the boat to entertain someone more important. The drill is that the resident Calflex company man says he’s sick, and we head back to port. We off-load the cargo, pick up the new VIP, and head back out again. This was a little strange because we were told we were sailing the following day, but then it was cancelled. And the boat’s been sitting at the dock ever since. Not that I mind. I’m getting paid for beach time.”

Brian wasn’t getting any attention with the dancing around so he added some barking. Arf, arf, arf.

Judey gave a tug on the Burberry leash. “Stop it!” Judey said to Brian. “Behave yourself.”

Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf.

“I got him in the property settlement when we split,” Judey said. “I should have taken the Boxster.”

Todd looked down at his legs. “I’m going to have to wash this sand off. It’s going to ruin my tan.”

We walked to the water’s edge and waited while Todd plunged into the surf. A roller came in and caught him midthigh.

“Eeeeee. Cold!” he shrieked, jumping around, flapping his arms, splashing back to us, doodles bouncing in the silky red pouch.

Brian was at the end of his leash, panting, choking himself, trying to get to Todd. Judey was busy trying to control Brian. And Hooker and I were mesmerized. The bouncing doodles were hypnotic.

“Holy crap,” Hooker said.

“You see my problem with the bakery theory.”

“Yeah, but just so you know, my ‘boys’ would look better.”