Metro Girl (Alex Barnaby 1)

Judey and I grabbed the chenille spread and pulled Hooker and Bill through the bedroom door, across the living room, and out the front door. We got them as far as the rental car, and we were stumped again.

“I guess we have to try to sit them up in the backseat,” I said.

We pushed and pulled and managed to get them more or less sitting in the backseat. Hooker was hanging in the shoulder harness, head down and drooling. Bill was leaning on Hooker, looking like Zombie Bahama.

Brian had retreated to the front and was peeking between the seats, not sure he was liking what he saw.

“You know what we should do?” Judey said. “We should take one of the goons. And then we can interrogate him and maybe find out where they’ve got Maria.”

We went back to the house and took the smallest of the two men. We dragged him out the door to the car and around to the trunk. I opened the trunk and threw the spare tire away. Now I had room for the goon and the warhead. I took a good look at the warhead to make sure it’d be safe back there with the goon. It didn’t look like anything could break off. We heaved the goon into the trunk, folded him up, and closed the lid.

“Now we need a good porn store,” I said. “One that sells devices. Handcuffs have a universal key. I know that from watching Cops on television.”

“I love that show,” Judey said.

I drove across the Miami River, went south on Seventeenth Street and into Little Havana. After a few blocks I saw what I was looking for. Adult Entertainment. I swung into a strip mall parking area and came to a stop in front of the store.

“I don’t want to buy an expensive pair of handcuffs just to get a key,” I said to Judey. “See if you can borrow one.”

Judey ran into the store and a couple minutes later came out with a guy who looked like Ozzie Osbourne on a bad day.

“Whoa,” the guy said when he saw Hooker and Bill. “Kinky.”

We got the cuffs off, and the porn guy shuffled back into the store. Judey and I made a halfhearted attempt to revive Hooker and Bill. Hooker opened one eye halfway, smiled at me, and went back to slumberland.

“We should put those cuffs to good use,” Judey said.

We got out of the car, went around to the trunk, and made sure no one was looking. We opened the trunk, twisted the goon until his arms were behind his back, and cuffed him.

“Much better,” Judey said. “It’s a little creepy to have him back here with the warhead.”

I know this is weird, but I was getting used to carrying the warhead around. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was going to miss it when I got rid of it, but I wasn’t nearly as freaked out that it was back there. It was sort of like…luggage.

Judey and I got back into the car and watched Hooker and Bill. They seemed to be comfortable, breathing normally, good color. Still, I was worried. It would be a relief when they came around.

“I appreciate your help,” I said to Judey. “Probably I should take you and Brian home.”

“You’ll do no such thing. I’m staying with you until these bad boys wake up.”

So we sat there in front of the smut shop, waiting for Hooker and Bill to wake up.

“This is just like when we were in school,” Judey said, smiling. “We were always getting Bill out of scrapes. And usually they involved young ladies.”

Sometimes the more things changed, the more they stayed the same.

After an hour, Hooker opened an eye again. “Did I miss something?” he asked.

“We rescued you,” I said.

“The last thing I remember I was eating pizza.”

“Yep,” I said. “I did the old date-rape-pizza-delivery routine.”

“What’s this big wet spot on my shorts?”

“Drool.”

“That’s a relief.” He glanced out the window. “And we’re parked in front of adult entertainment, why?”