“And besides,” Ziggy said. “You got some nosy neighbors. We were waiting for you in the hall, but there was a lady who kept opening her door and looking at us. It made us uncomfortable.”
“I think she was interested in us, if you know what I mean. And we don't do anything funny like that. We're married men.”
“Maybe when we were younger,” Ziggy said, smiling.
“So what's this urgent business?”
“Ziggy and me happen to be very good friends of Eddie DeChooch,” Benny said. “Ziggy and Eddie and me go way back. So Ziggy and me are concerned about Eddie's sudden disappearance. We're worried Eddie might be in trouble.”
“You mean because he killed Loretta Ricci?”
“No, we don't think that's a big issue. People are always accusing Eddie of killing people.”
Ziggy leaned forward in a conspiratorial whisper. “Bum raps, all of them.”
Of course.
“We're concerned because we think Eddie might not be thinking right,” Benny said. “He's been in this depression. We go to see him and he don't want to talk to us. He's never been like that.”
“It's not normal,” Ziggy said.
“Anyway, we know you're looking for him, and we don't want him to get hurt, you understand?”
“You don't want me to shoot him.”
“Yeah.”
“I almost never shoot people.”
“Sometimes it happens, but God forbid it would be Choochy,” Benny said. “We're trying to prevent it from being Choochy.”
“Hey,” I said, “if he gets shot it won't be my bullet.”
“And then there's something else,” Benny said. “We're trying to find Choochy so we can help him.”
Ziggy nodded. “We think maybe he should be seeing a doctor. Maybe he needs a psychiatrist. So we figured we could work together being that you're looking for him, too.”
“Sure,” I said, “if I find him I'll let you know.” After I delivered him up to the court and had him safely behind bars.
“And we were wondering if you have any leads?”
“Nope. None.”
“Gee, we were counting on you to have some leads. We heard you were pretty good.”
“Actually, I'm not all that good . . . it's more that I'm lucky.”
Another exchange of glances.
“So, are you, you know, feeling lucky about this?” Benny asked.
Hard to feel lucky when I've just let a depressed senior citizen slip through my fingers, found a dead woman in his shed, and sat through dinner with my parents. “Well, it's sort of too early to tell.”
There was some fumbling at the door, the door swung open, and Mooner ambled in. Mooner was wearing a head-to-toe purple spandex bodysuit with a big silver M sewn onto the chest.
“Hey dude,” Mooner said. “I tried calling you, but you were never home. I wanted to show you my new Super Mooner Suit.”
“Cripes,” Benny said, “he looks like a flaming fruit.”