“Isn't that nice,” Lula said. “A family reunited. It almost makes me want to get a dog. Except for the peeing and pooping part.”
Tell me about it.
Stephanie Plum 9 - To The Nines
Chapter Fifteen
I was on my way back to the office when Grandma Mazur called.
“We got a situation here,” she said. “I don't suppose you're in the neighborhood?”
“What kind of a situation?”
“Valerie decided she's going to marry Albert.”
“That's great.”
“Yeah, except Albert's been living with his mom and his mom isn't happy that Albert's not marrying in his faith. Albert's mom wants him to marry a Jewish girl and so she's kicked him out of the house. That means everyone's going to be living here. Albert just showed up with a couple boxes of his stuff and he's moving it into that little room upstairs with Valerie and the girls.”
“Oh boy.”
"Exactly. We need to put rubber walls on this house. We don't all fit in it anymore. Your father says he's moving in with
Harry Farnsworth. He's upstairs packing and your mothers all upset."
“My dad's moving out?”
“I can sort of see his point on this. He had to drive to the gas station on Hamilton to use the bathroom this morning. So I don't exactly blame him, but what's your mother going to do if your father moves out permanent? Where's she going to find another man? It's not like she's a live wire.”
I did a large mental sigh. “I'll be right there.”
“Don't tell nobody I called you,” Grandma said.
I made a U-?turn on Hamilton and smiled, knowing Cal was scrambling to follow me in the big Explorer.
Lula leaned over the seat, watching him. “Good to keep a man on his toes,” Lula said. “I bet he's all worried back there, cursing you out. He can't find a place to wheel that SUV around. Uh-?oh, he just jumped the curb and knocked over a garbage can. Ranger won't be happy to see a scratch on that shiny new car.”
I pulled into the driveway, blocking my father's car so he couldn't make a getaway. Then I ran back to Cal, who was parking in front of the house. His face was red and a trickle of sweat traced a path down his temple.
“It's okay if you park here,” I said to Cal and Junior, “but don't get out of the car. Both of you stay here and try to look normal.” Even as I said it, I knew it was an impossible request. “And don't worry about that big gash in the right front fender. It's really not all that bad,” I said.
The red in Cal's face kicked up a notch.
Lula was waiting for me on my parents' front porch. “You are so evil,” she said. “There's no gash in the right front fender.”
Grandma Mazur opened the door to me. “What a surprise,” she said, real loud. “Look everyone, Stephanie's here.”
Mary Alice was back to being a horse, galloping around the house, making horse sounds. The baby was screaming surprisingly loud for a newborn and Valerie was furiously rocking it in the rocking chair. Angie was drawing on a pad in the dining room. She had cotton wads stuck in her ears and she was singing, trying to drown out the noise. Albert Kloughn was pacing in front of Valerie.
“Maybe there's something wrong with her,” Kloughn said to Valerie. “Maybe we should take her back to the hospital. Maybe she's hungry. Maybe she's wet.”
“Maybe she's got gas,” Grandma Mazur said. “I know I do. This family's getting on my nerves. I can't stand all this noise and commotion. It gives me indigestion. I gotta get some Maalox.”
“I'm outta here,” Lula said. “Nice seeing you all, but I'm going to wait in the car. I'm not good with crying babies. I've been locked in a truck cab with a dog and two horny truck drivers for the last couple days and on top of that I'm worried I'm turning into a carnivore.”
“I wouldn't mind hearing about the two horny truck drivers,” Grandma said.
I went into the kitchen where my mother was ironing. She always irons when she's upset. Ordinarily no one would approach my mother when she's got an iron in her hand, but I thought I should say something. “This house is bedlam,” I said to her.