Ten Big Ones (Stephanie Plum 10)

'The fudging vest wasn't in the fudging plan,' Sally said. 'What the fudge am I supposed to do with this? It's gonna fudging ruin the fudging line of the fudging gown.'

'It's a flak vest, not a chastity belt,' I told him. 'It comes off.'

'Cool,' he said.

'You should chill,' Lula told him. 'You're gonna get a embolism you keep that up.'

This is a fudging responsibility,' Sally said. 'I take my wedding planning seriously.' He took a gown off the rack and handed it over to me. This is yours,' he said.

Now it was my turn to gape. 'What happened to pumpkin?'

The other girls are wearing pumpkin. The maid of honor has to have a different color. This is eggplant.'

Lula gave a burst of laughter and clapped her hand over her mouth.

Eggplant. Great. As if pumpkin wasn't bad enough. I ripped my vest off and unlaced my shoes. 'Where do I go to try this on?'

There's a dressing room through the pink doorway,' Sally said, leading the way, carrying Valerie's gown, staggering under the weight of it.

Five minutes later we were all zipped up. Three pumpkins and an eggplant. And Valerie, who was wearing enough glaring white to make everyone snow-blind. Her breasts bulged out of the bodice neckline, and the back zipper valiantly struggled to hold the dress together. The skirt was bell-shaped, meant to disguise leftover baby fat. In actuality, the skirt emphasized her hips and ass.

Valerie tottered over to the three-way mirror, took a look at herself, and shrieked.`I'm fat!' she yelled. 'My God, look at me. I'm a whale. A big white whale. Why didn't someone tell me? I can't go down the aisle like this. The aisle isn't even wide enough.'

'It's not so bad,' my mother said, trying to smooth away the fat bulge at the waistline. 'All brides are beautiful. You just need to see yourself with the veil.'

Maria came running with the veil, draping the gauze fabric over

Val's eyes. 'See how much better it looks through the veil?' Maria said.

'Yeah, and if you want to really feel better, you should get a load of Stephanie in the eggplant,' Lula said.

It didn't seem that vegetable when we were looking at swatches,' Sally said, eyeing my gown.

'She needs a different makeup palette,' Loretta said. 'Some eggplant on her eyes to balance the dress. And then some glitter under the brow to open the eye. And more blush.'

'A lot more blush,' Lula said.

'What am I doing getting married anyway?' Valerie said. 'Do I really want to get married?'

'Of course you want to get married,' my mother said, the panic clear in her voice, her life flashing in front of her eyes.

'Yes,' Valerie said. 'But do I want to get married to Albert?'

'He's the father of your child. He's a lawyer, sort of. He's almost as tall as you.' My mother drew a blank after that and looked to

Grandma for help.

'He's cuddle umpkins,' Grandma said. 'And oogieboogie bear and all them things. What about that?'

'I love this,' Lula said, big grin on her face. 'I thought I was gonna lose a thumb this afternoon, but here I am in the middle of cuddle umpkins' pumpkin patch.' Lula turned to Sally. 'What are you going to do? Does the wedding planner get to be an attendant, or something? Or do you just gotta be the wedding planner?'

I'm singing,' Sally said. 'I have a lovely russet satin gown. I thought it would continue the fall theme.'

'Maybe we should get the Trenton Times to cover this,' Lula said to me. 'Or MTV.'

Maria had been jumping from one gown to the next, pinning and tucking. 'All done,' she said.

Sally took me aside. 'You remember about the wedding shower, right? Friday night at the VFW hall.'